September 27, 2016

Let’s Get Intimate: What to Do when the Affair is Over. {Adult Q&A}

Flickr/Greg Nehring



Q. I am facing a very painful, heartbreaking situation. I have been seeing this married man for almost two years.

Just recently, I asked him that what he did last Wednesday and what time he got home. He hates that I have trust issues and am severely suspicious.

We got into a big fight, and he got physical with me. Right after he hit me, he apologized many times. He thought that was a horrible thing for him to lift a finger to a woman, which he has never done. But he also told me that he was done with my constantly not trusting, and he said he didn’t want to see me anymore.

In the week since this incident happened, I received only a one-word text (“hello”). Immediately replied to him, however, the only words he sent back were, “You had a chance.” He read three more of my texts and did not have any responses.

I am asking him for one more last chance, but he will not take me back. I love him very much. I have never felt this kind of love with any man before. Can you please help me with my sorrowful situation?

A. I agree, dear one, that this is a sorrowful situation.

When we feel love that is real to us, it can be devastating to have that love taken away. But here is something you may not have realized: The love is yours—to give and to have.

Let me explain this statement first by looking at the facts of your situation:

You are in a relationship with a married man. By its very definition, he belongs to another woman. Why he is with you may very well stem from a deep love and connection he has with you. This does not change the fact that his obligations and responsibilities lie with the woman he chose to marry. Without a doubt, it’s a terrible predicament to be in. However, you are both aware of the situation and must on some level acknowledge that his loyalties will not fall to you. That is, not as long as he is married to someone else.

You don’t trust him. This is a big deal. Not surprising, but it is an important aspect of this situation. There is no chance—I mean none—for a healthy relationship to flourish without trust. Now, because he is married, you have no real access to his life away from you. Of course, this can arouse suspicion. What does he do when he’s not with you? Is he with his wife? Another lover? You can’t know, and you cannot trust him fully because the very foundation of your relationship is based on the secrecy of your affair.

He hit you. Rather than pointing out the obvious—namely that physical abuse is not acceptable in any situation, ever—this burst of rage needs to be addressed. Perhaps your suspicion triggered his anger, but his reaction to it indicates far deeper dysfunction and pain in his life. To that end, you can forget about blaming yourself for his outburst and even his removal of himself from the relationship. His “You had a chance” text is his way of absolving himself for the mistake he made, not you. He’s the one who had the chance, likely several of them, to make things right. He didn’t, and that’s his choice. Let him go.

What now? Unless his wife is aware of your presence and accepts you as part of his/their life, these emotional entanglements between you both cannot be resolved. What can be resolved is your ability to care for yourself and your well-being—physically and emotionally.

My suggestion is to take your pain and make it productive.

>> Write a list of all the traits this man had that you enjoyed. They can be physical traits as well as personality traits.

>> One you’ve finished, re-read the list, holding in your mind that another man can and does possess all these traits. Know that he is out there, available, and waiting to meet you.

>> Read the list again. Only this time, imagine offering yourself all those traits. In other words, if you liked how he brought you flowers, go buy some for yourself. How many of these positive relationship characteristics can you develop within yourself?

What’s the point of this exercise? To develop and own that love we talked about at the beginning of this article. Once you develop a healthy sense of self-love, you will attract the right partner for you—one who chooses you, one who respects you, one who celebrates you and your life. And you will be ready for him.

Happy loving!


Author: Rachel Astarte

Image: Flickr/Greg Nehring

Editor: Yoli Ramazzina

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