A year ago, I told my friends that I wanted to get my heart broken.
I craved a love so deep and so intense that losing it would hurt like hell. I wanted to to feel love that I’d be scared to lose, and I wanted to feel the pain once it ended.
Then, you came along. At first, it seemed so unusual and unexpected, but then everyone realized we were meant to be. We were perfect for each other. We were the same.
We had the greatest summer. You made me feel loved and understood. You made me feel at home. Finally, after 20 years, I felt like I belonged. I thought I’d have you by my side for the long run. We had fun, we could talk, we’d go on adventures. We were best friends.
Until we weren’t.
Out of the blue, you told me you thought we’d be better off apart. I asked you to stay. And for a while, you did. I like to believe you did try to love me, but our time was up. And being together as a couple was hurting both of us. Especially me. But not being together hurt me too.
We parted. Our goodbye didn’t last more than five minutes, and we never spoke again. And I missed you. I still miss you all the time. We were over so suddenly and so fast that I did not have time to realize that I was not only losing a lover, I was losing my friend.
I got what I wanted. My heart was crushed. I suffered, I cried. I still do. But I had wished for a broken heart, and then I was left trying to put the pieces back together.
What hurt the most is that the end didn’t hurt you as much as it hurt me. I knew that after our relationship ended, you were okay. And I was not. I knew that you didn’t spend your time thinking about me, but everything would remind me of you. You did not feel the deep and intense love that I felt. You never did. And that, I did not sign up for.
I had wished for a love that would consume both of us. I had wished for a love that would leave pain when it left. But I expected you to feel it too. I wanted you to love me like I loved you. You didn’t. You fell out of love as fast as you fell in love, while I just fell more and more in love each day. So when you left, I was crushed. This is not the kind of broken heart I had hoped for.
And for days, I hated you for being okay. I hated you because when I needed a friend, the first person I would think of was you and you were not there anymore. I hated you because I wanted you to feel your heart break as much as I felt mine.
I thought it would be romantic for you to miss me and for me to miss you. For you to get hurt as much as I got hurt. But I learned you can’t romanticize heartbreak. You can’t romanticize suffering. Pain is not romantic, crying is not romantic. That is not love.
Love should be easy. Not all the time, but it should be simple. It should be easy to love and easy to be loved. It should be easy to feel your heart mend when its filled with love, not only feel it when its breaking. Love should flow, it shouldn’t be work. It should take effort, but it shouldn’t leave you exhausted and tired and sad.
I was so prepared to suffer for you when I lost you that I forgot to enjoy loving you while I had you.
These days, I try not to resent you for not feeling as deeply as I do. I try to be happy if you’re happy, because we used to be friends. I try to bring back memories with happiness and gratitude, not anger and pain. But I’ll never wish for heartbreak again.
This time, I’ll wish for love.
Author: Andrea Paz y Miño
Editor: Travis May