November 17, 2016

My Life as a Spiritual Narcissist (& why You’re probably One Too).

spiritual new age authenticity bullshit

Spirituality is a trigger for insanity—the type of insanity which leads to deeper awakening.

It’s a wake-up call to the mania of resisting ourselves.

If we think about it, there isn’t much difference between narcissism and spiritual seeking. Both are self-obsessed, like to spin reality to fit their perception, and filter the world in a way that feeds the ego. Most importantly, both can be a manifestation of deeply ingrained self-hatred, insecurity and low self-esteem. This is not a judgement of anyone. Insecurity is only another part of ourselves to embrace.

I was an insane spiritual seeker once.

I was a spiritual warrior, angel whisperer, indigo child, and a miraculous healer—in my imagination. I was enlightened too, except for when I wasn’t. But when I was, I wanted the whole world to know about it.

Does that sound truly “enlightened?”

I had a spiritual ego, and I probably still do to some extent, which is normal.

My ego was a manifestation of self-hatred, simply mutated from one form to another. It didn’t care how I was identifying myself, so long as I was continuously resisting my deep inner pain. Ego feeds from any resistance, and it is fine with whatever we resist—as long as we continue to do it.

I needed my spiritual ego.

Without it, I had no confidence, many insecurities, and even more self-sabotaging patterns. Back then, it was the only way I knew how to deal with my self-hatred. It was the only way I could function and not become a drug addict or alcoholic—I looked for my escape in spirituality, which is undeniably better than drugs or alcohol.

I wasn’t ever told that I was good enough the way I was. I had no concept of it. So I created my own way to prove to myself and others that I was good enough.

I felt like sh*t about myself, so I looked for a way to fix myself, which is fine, except that I studied unconscious behavior, and criticized the rest of the world for it as yet another way to bury my self-unworthiness.

I needed to identify myself with something that would make me feel better, wiser, unique, smart—like someone who had all the answers and was in control. In other words I became a “spiritual person.”

Being spiritual meant being spiritually correct as well. It’s like being politically correct, where expressing yourself “correctly” is more important than actually being honest and doing the necessary work. Sometimes it seemed very important to talk about things in a certain way, dress a certain way, eat in a certain way, say “Namaste” a lot, post hundreds of spiritual quotes on Facebook, and make a zombie face to convince others that I was in the “present moment.”

As I said, I needed that. Because I had no self-love.

I’m sure my experience is different than for many others. Maybe many other people were not as polluted with spiritual escapism as I was. Yet it was only a manifestation of deeply ingrained traumas that were playing themselves out to exhaust this version of “me,” so that I would finally surrender to my insanity and let it die, through loving myself—just the way I was.

And isn’t that the same with so many other “spiritual people?”

How much do we have to not love ourselves in order to so desperately look for our “twin flame?”

How low does a woman’s self-esteem need to be, for her to join an ego-validating “wild women” tribe?

Many man don’t want to grow up and commit to responsibilities for their partner, family, wellbeing and other inconveniences that challenging their selfishness, which they cleverly disguise as being a “free spirit.”

For those of us who think that we are enlightened and somehow more special than others, it’s a good time for us to face ourselves and understand where this manifestation of self-unworthiness is coming from.

If we’re calling ourselves “lightworkers,” we may might also want to take a good look inside, instead of playing saviors and lovers of the world—our positive vibrations are only farts in the universe. Perhaps we need to heal ourselves first, before trying to heal the world.

Ego creates suffering, yet the pain that comes with it is an invitation for us to be more real, authentic and honest with ourselves, if we can embrace the pain as just another expression of love. And often life itself is inviting us to do this. But when we do not fully understand it and resist the process, we become insane and look for an escape in even crazier spiritual theories.

We go from one form of delusion to the other, only because we do not want to commit and take responsibility for everything that we have to heal from. But this commitment gives us a real opportunity to transform our lives and fulfill our dreams—even if it means we have to give up all our trying and go with the flow of life.

From my perspective, there is no spirituality. Just the path of self-awareness, which burns down everything that stands in the way of embodying the true, unconditional love that we essentially are.

It is true that we can find our ideal partner.

It is true that we can heal ourselves and help others to become more self-realized.

It is true that we can manifest the life that we desire.

Yet these things will come only with embracing reality—where joy and pain are recognized as the same creation of love.

But first we must be really honest with ourselves, and embrace the whole truth—not just the parts which make us feel better.

Perhaps it’s time to realize that we don’t need that man-bun after all.





Author: Erast Matej

Image: elephant archives

Editor:  Khara-Jade Warren


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