“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them” (Gen. 1:27. King James Version).
Many folks these days are concerned with how the Judeo-Christian God is basically a man, and that a woman is a man’s spare rib (according to the Bible that is; I personally don’t believe this).
Many are concerned with how, in the Bible, mankind is forced out of paradise and into socially-isolating suburbs because a certain someone (a woman!) took directions from an actual snake…
These days we’re starting to realize that all our problems aren’t “wimmen’s” fault and that they shouldn’t be their husband’s slaves. And this modern disagreement with the Bible (plus some other minor disagreements) demands that the Bible get a revision.
The Holy Bible 2.
And as for the beginning of the new book, there’s a reasonable, politically-correct way to fix the sexism problem, and it’s to replace Man’s image with Dog’s.
Just think about it. If the Supreme Being is indeed supreme, and is going to make a creature in its image, then it’s gonna be a dog, not a dude. For dogs are––as a species––simply superior to Man.
For example, while men are often terribly concerned with things like their resume and how “cool” they look to their peers, a dog will be seen licking its balls (and/or vagina), and in public!
[Note: the author doesn’t actually know if female dogs lick their vaginas. He does know though that male dogs lick their scrotums. And don’t ask how he knows. Also, he wasn’t willing to ask his co-workers, “Do female dogs lick their vaginas?” Nor was he willing to Google it.]
[Another note: a fellow writer has reported that female dogs do lick their vaginas; but she prefers not being asked how she knows this.]
Anyway back to men’s weaknesses:
While many men go berserk if their food “tastes like crap,” a dog can be found eating actual crap off of someone’s lawn, and then vomiting it up, and then eating it again! And unlike the man, it’ll remain chill overall about the experience. The dog’s not gonna complain to the lawn’s manager about the turds it vomited!
And just one more example, ‘cause this list can go on forever:
While Man needs to keep consuming huge amounts of resources to build all these distractions for himself—including huge, world-destroying, dick-shaped missiles—dog can be found chasing a ball thrown by its adoring slave and best friend: Man!—who for free gives dog food, shelter, water, and physical and verbal affection (something he often has trouble giving to Woman).
So obviously Dog was made in God’s image, not Man. Compared to each other, Dog is better for the planet, is way easier to amuse, and doesn’t waste time worrying about nonsense (such as whether or not the local area sports team’s going to win the whatever). Dog is far wiser than Man (like God). And Dog is Man’s master, not the other way around.
So when writing the next Bible, let’s start with Dog being made in God’s image.
Future generations will look at the new passage and say, “That makes sense. The Bible speaks the truth!”
Author: Paul Fenoglio
Editor: Travis May