January 10, 2017

Why Sex Scares Us & What We can Do about It.

I can have one bite of pie, exercise regularly, and approach most situations with very good, and sometimes great, discipline.

But when it comes to sex, I completely and utterly lose my mind. If I am having it, I’m whacky happy and if I haven’t had it in a while, I’m a total nut job.

So either way, sex makes me crazy—and I’m not the only one.

Sex has us do and say the darnedest things and forget what is really important to us. But mostly sex scares us, whether we admit it or not. Some of us are scared we may never have it again, while others imagine that they won’t do it right, yet others are afraid they will jump into it too soon or are so busy trying to please a partner they forget to please themselves.

Sex seems so terribly important.

The more often we think about something, the more important it becomes. Thinking too much about something has us become obsessive and compulsive.

Many of us have heard the claim that men think about sex every seven seconds. While there isn’t research to back up that number, it is pretty clear that in any given day, men think about sex much more often than they have it. In fact, if they had sex every time they thought about it, very little work would get done.

Studies do indicate that women, on average, think about sex less often than men do. Which is important because it creates an imbalance between the sexes providing fertile ground for argument, disappointment, conflict and problems. And these problems lead to dissatisfaction—which is what marketers thrive on.

Marketers learned long ago that sex sells. Businesses suggest that their product will lead us to sexual satisfaction, an ideal partner, hot times in the old bedroom tonight and our soul mate.

As ridiculous as that sounds, we are all bombarded with sexual content from the time we wake up in the morning until we drift off to sleep at night. But, for many of us, our focus on sex doesn’t stop there: it sneaks into our dreams too, making our pre-occupation with sex 24-7.

Of course, we all know that the lipstick we use or car we drive isn’t likely to lead to more or better sex. But still we think about sex so often, and have it so seldom, that sex is totally important to us by its absence—not its presence.

I’ts what you think.

Sex itself isn’t terribly important. But thinking about it makes it important. If we thought about it less, it would quickly become less important.

Thinking about other things often nudges sexual thoughts to the wayside, providing us with a little peace and higher purpose.

To think less about sex, think more about contributing to others, the destination for your next vacation, how you might be kinder to people, how to raise happy healthy kids or the meaning of life. Learn a language, take a long walk drinking in Mother Nature, or take up meditation.

Our minds are incredible super computers, but that computing power is wasted when we are dwelling on sexual thoughts.

It’s what you feel

Sex entails touching and feeling. But most of our busy days don’t. Often our drive to have sex is really the primal desire for touching, cuddling and physical connection.

When we touch more often we won’t imagine that sex is the solution to absence of closeness.

Without sufficient touching we lose touch. And in the presence of lots of physical contact there are loads of benefits which include:

Decreased violence

Greater trust between individuals

Decreased disease and stronger immune system

Stronger team dynamics

More non-sexual emotional intimacy.

Greater learning engagement

Overall well-being 

When we satisfy our primal need for physical contact we are less likely to hop into bed prematurely or use sex as a solution for our isolation and absence of sensation.

Reach out and touch someone

Sex seems to save the day, providing undeniable physical sensations. But sex isn’t the only activity-driven solution to our lack of sensations. Touching, cuddling, kissing or just a little closeness offers physical relief and a refuge from a busy day. 

To make sex a little less important, and a little more likely to be enjoyable, focus attention on sensations. Feel into your body often. When you are feeling, you aren’t thinking about sex, in fact, you aren’t thinking at all.

Attention is limited and when it is full of sensation, we become aware of our own presence, our own body and we aren’t as likely to be dominated by sexual thoughts. 

Making sex less important

Sex is important simply because we focus attention on it so often. If we focus on it less, it will become less important. That doesn’t mean that we will have less sex: because there is absolutely no evidence that thinking about sex leads to more sex.

I have lots of anecdotal evidence that touching more and thinking less leads to better sex.

Sexual thoughts hold great power over us. Thinking fewer sexual thoughts frees us to discover that we are sexual beings full of sexual energy whether we are having sex or not.

Sex offers an intense, scary, radical solution to an absence of touch. But in the presence of lots of physical contact, hugging, kissing, a pat on the back and touching, sex provides a celebration of connection with luscious, fear-free loving. 




Author: Jerry Stocking

Image: Wikicommons

Editor: Travis May

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