May 2, 2017

She Might Not Text You Back.

Put the phone in the corner and leave it there. Don’t check it for a while.

If you hear from her then you’ll hear from her, but it is out of your control. She is on her own time just like you, and perhaps that is as it should be.

Don’t make up a reason to look at it. Don’t invent some excuse, some illusory matter that is so pressing that we must look. There is no need.

There is something within us that compels us to connect with each other—something on the level of spirit that implores us to be together—but that is not what is calling upon us to look at that damn phone.

There is a difference between love and attachment.

Love implies unconditional care and affection.

Attachment implies neediness and control.

It seems as though they often they arise hand in hand—moving in accordance with each other—but I don’t believe this has to be the case. Love comes first, and then attachment follows as the ego clings to this earth-shattering experience of tenderness and togetherness.

Love comes first. Attachment comes later.

The practice of mindful relationships relieves this egoic attachment and abides by the pure state of love that connected us initially.

It is by no means easy—and I have had my fair share of trials and tribulations along this path—but, in spite of the tremendous difficulty of this practice, it seems to be a worthwhile endeavor.

After a horrible break up some years ago, I confided in a friend. “I love her, and I want to be with her,” I said, holding back tears. “I don’t understand why we can’t make it work.”

“You love her?,” my friend asked.

“With everything inside me,” I replied.

“Well, if you love her, then you should want her to be happy. If she’s not happy with you, then you have to let her go.”

I was struck by this. Never before had words rang more true to me.

We must learn to let go, for that is true love. If we care for someone unconditionally, then it shouldn’t matter whether he or she is with us or not. That is secondary to his or her happiness. That is secondary to our love.

I know it’s hard. A simple phrase won’t free us from our attachments, but it certainly is a start. Then, the practice must begin. The practice of observing ourselves when we are feeling controlling or needy. The practice of communicating with our partners when we feel disconnected. The practice of acknowledging our faults and manifesting our strengths. The practice of loving each other without requiring anything, without needing some kind of warrantee.

It doesn’t matter if she texts back. She is on her own journey. She is not beholden to us, nor are we beholden to her.

This life is a thresher. We are thrown into this cosmic melting pot just as quickly as we are ripped out of it. This life is so transient, so utterly fleeting, which is why it is so important that we live consciously and purposefully so as to derive as much joy as possible from it. Let’s suck the marrow out of this absurd existence, and in order to do this we must sort ourselves out internally. We must be free from attachment in order to preserve our love.

So, stop checking that goddamned phone and simply trust in our capacity to love. Have faith in the infinite strength and wisdom of our own souls, for crying out loud! Whether she responds to us or not is not reflective of the connection we share, is not a reflection of our love.

When we allow love to flourish, then our attachments cease to have power over us.


Author: Samuel Kronen
Image: Isabell Winter/Unsplash
Editor: Leah Sugerman

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