June 30, 2017

I’m Sorry I’m not what you thought Love would Look Like.

There’s a bit of bitterness in the apology of not being what someone had expected to find in this life.

I understand that, in so many ways, I seem wrong for you.

While we all say that we are open to love, what many of us mean is that we will be open to it so long as it arrives wrapped up just as we wanted it to—neat, comfortable, and fitting into our lives in just the way we had hoped.

Yet, sometimes, what we need does not come how we thought it would.

Perhaps I’m from the wrong background, or maybe it’s that I don’t live where you expected to find home—but it sometimes seems like the things you never could have expected are also the very things you love the most about me.

And so I’m sorry that I’m not what you’d hoped for.

As time moves in waves around us, it makes sense that sometimes what we had anticipated our lives to look like has to be ruined in order to end up as the life we are meant to live. This is never an easy concept to wrap our heads around, but life has the potential to be so much better than we could imagine if we truly are open to all possibilities.

I’m sorry that I didn’t come as easy or predictable—that everything about me is a challenge that, at times, has felt impossible.

When we are children and begin to picture our ideal life, we often base this picture upon what we see or are told—but sometimes, it seems that in order to truly become the people we are meant to be, we have to undo everything we were taught to expect as normal.

There’s no doubt that I’ll never fit into that box—but the thing is, neither will you.

Some people are born not to follow the guidelines we are fed for love and happiness. Instead, they are meant to show what’s possible when we let our souls lead. This can feel like an impossible task—after all, if we can’t make sense of love, then it also becomes difficult to have faith in it.

But regardless of this truth and the darkness we’ve traveled through, we’ve still never given up on one another.

Because sometimes, those loves that seem furthest from reality end up feeling more real than anything else.

I’m sorry that I didn’t come dressed as the love you had expected to find—but I’ll never be sorry that it ended up being love.

It seems that some of us are meant to do more than just settle down, or that perhaps we are meant to grow so tall so as to inspire others to do the same. I never said it would be easy to do this, or that there wouldn’t be days when we wouldn’t question everything, but the one thing that I do feel in the depths of my heart is that it’s worth it.

Because, by the way, you don’t look like I expected love to look either.

You were all wrong for me in the ways that only me ego cared about, and for so long, it seemed those fears were loud enough to drown out my soul.

Maybe it’s just the destiny of twin flames to challenge one another so deeply that we find ourselves transformed without even realizing it; but for me, it was just a love that my heart couldn’t quit no matter what happened—or how far I had run from it.

Maybe we don’t know what we really need until we’re holding it in our arms—for I believe now that I truly didn’t know what I needed until I met you.

Perhaps it becomes impossible to envision our “forever” before we’ve truly experienced all those loves that are only meant to teach us more about ourselves.

Maybe you are nothing like who I thought I would love when I was young and naive. But in spite of this, it seems that you are exactly the kind of man I need to build and enjoy this life with—someone who’s appetite for life is just as ravenous as mine. 

In truth, as challenging as you have been, I wouldn’t change a thing about you, because you have made wrong feel so right.

Maybe there is no wrong. Perhaps it’s just that “amazing” isn’t always comfortable, and so it’s easier to dismiss it instead of investigate it.

Many of us we don’t want to put in the work that relationships require of us. We often deem certain connections to be “all wrong” simply because we are scared of how much we would grow and change within them.

So maybe I shouldn’t apologize for not being what you expected love to look like, because perhaps it’s exactly what you needed all along. It seems that if I had come dressed as all the others, then you wouldn’t have been inspired to grow into the man that you have—and for that, I can’t be sorry at all.

As more time passes, I’m realizing that while maybe you never expected a love like the one I am offering you, it’s only because there was no way to ever plan for a woman like me.

And who would ever want to be sorry for a gift like that?



Author: Kate Rose
Image: Daniel Lamb/Flickr
Editor: Callie Rushton
Copy Editor: Yoli Ramazzina
Social Editor: Lieselle Davidson

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