July 30, 2017

The Secret that Destroys all Relationships.


Humans do weird sh*t sometimes.

We long for love. We find it. Then we destroy it.

But why? Why do we kill the very thing we were willing to give up our life for?

The one thing that destroys all relationships is that we all secretly wonder if we are good enough—in bed, with money, as a lover, as a companion, and as a person. But, good enough for what?

To make certain they don’t leave us? Or is it something else?

Most of us will end up married to the wrong person because we, inevitably, succumb to numbing out the discomfort of not feeling like we are enough by enacting age-old social norms. We don’t want to die alone and be found with our face half eaten by our pet cats we referred to as fur-babies.

Most of us don’t choose to date, have sex, get engaged, or get married because, “We are so in love.” We do so because we are insecure as*holes looking for a way to anesthetize the discomfort of impermanence with the illusion of security.

When this doesn’t work, a lot of us just break up and hope that the next time, “things will work out.” But, will they if we all just keep burying our dirty little secret under distraction and escapism?

The secret.

We give up on ourselves too soon.

When it comes to consummating a relationshipmany of us are like ADD children hyped up on Mountain Dew and methamphetamines. We don’t have patience to grow into knowing we are enough. So, we lily-pad from one bed to another seeking approval—which is an act of immature desperation.

I know, I’ve done it.

And let’s say we got married and gritted it out for 20 odd years—divorce still seems to be trending. Why is that?

Desires have a way of tricking our minds into believing whatever impulse we have should have been fulfilled yesterday. When we feel overwhelmed by urgency it can cause us to freeze up and act out in a scurried and frenetic patterning that can always be traced back to feeling like we are not enough.

The destruction.

In other words, we pick the fruit from the vine before it is ripe. There is a saying that goes, “If you like something you pick it but if you love something you plant it.”

I looked up the difference between being “in love” and “loving” somebody. The essence of “in love” is a feeling of euphoria that causes you to see no flaws, put the other person before yourself, and have a sense that you cannot live without them. It’s heroin people—co-dependence and enmeshment.

Conversely, loving a partner is about loyalty, a logical progression, growth, respect, and mutual admiration. Plus, you can annoy the sh*t out of each other but still want to cultivate the relationship. It’s like a hit of good marijuana followed up by two hours of CrossFit.

A lot of us have learned to value heroin over marijuana and CrossFit.

We want instant results because in the moments we get them we feel invincible. We feel like kings and queens. We are untouchable and, consequently, reliant on the source of our high.

Plus, we are stupid f*cking idiots when high and will keep justifying our moronic choices because we simply can’t face the fear of not being enough.

This impacts all of us.

All relationships.

“I want to wake up to my best friend.” I’ve said this and heard other people say it like we can just find that and have a BFF immediately.

Do we actually realize what it takes to have a best friend? It takes hours of devotion. Spontaneously crafted inside jokes. A secret language that develops over years of experiences and conversations with each other. It’s not just something you pick up on isle 69 at Walmart.

To save us all a lot of time, the antidote to not feeling or being enough is constituted through the blend of compassion, self-examination, humility, persistence, devotion, and above all else—patience!

Life has to be lived for us to feel like we are enough. It can’t be handed to us. We can’t begrudge an acorn for not being a shady oak tree. It takes time people. It takes maturity to know when enough is enough.

The relationship that destroy all secrets.

Where would I go but to the Lord?

I bet you didn’t see that coming. But we all need a friend to help us in the end. We need a place to confess our secrets and have them admonished. We need to have our “Come to Jesus” moments.

There are people that will help facilitate those moments in our lives. But, at the end of the day we must know that we are only as sick as our secrets.

And the relationship that will destroy all secrets is the one with the truth. It takes time, effort, and maturity to find our truth and voice it.

But when we do, we will be set free. And that is more than good enough.


Author: Rebekah McClaskey
Image: Unsplash
Editor: Lieselle Davidson
Copy Editor: Nicole Cameron
Social Editor: Travis May


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