February 8, 2019

How we can go from Disconnected, Half-Hearted Sex to Full-Bodied, “Hell Yes” Sex.


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“Apart from rape and abuse, have you ever had sex when you didn’t want to?”

I regularly ask clients this question when I’m working with them in my workshops, mentoring, and in my bodywork sessions.

And, in all my years of practice, I’ve only had one woman say no. That’s one woman, out of thousands.

All of us, at some point in our past, have said “yes” to please/acquiesce a partner—we were drunk/stoned, or because for some reason we couldn’t say no. My clients often call it “disconnected sex.”

This article is about the impact that has on us, and how we can empower ourselves.

Growing up, most of us weren’t schooled in understanding the sacredness of our own bodies. Sex ed was strictly about how to make babies and practice safe sex, but we were taught nothing about consent, boundaries, being ready, pleasure, or orgasm.

And for many of us, our early sexual encounters were fumbling, clumsy, intoxicated notches on bedposts (for me this carried on into my late 30s, until I stumbled into the world of neo-tantra and discovered a whole other universe!).

Most of us have, at some point, laid there and wished our partner would hurry up and finish, or wondered if this was all there is, and shouldn’t it be better than this? (Nine times out of ten, this is why some women fake orgasm). Many women go through life without experiencing deep, emotionally and physically satisfying lovemaking.

And maybe, like me, you’ve woken up the next day next to some random dude and not remembered a thing, or cringed and thought, “I can’t believe I ended up doing that.” These incidents normally trigger feelings of shame, guilt, remorse, and self-disgust, which we squash down, put to the back of our minds, and get on with life.

The thing is, our bodies hold all of those memories and feelings (even the unconscious ones). Particularly inside our vaginas. Yes, as a practitioner who’s massaged many hundreds of women internally, I can absolutely say we hold the physical, emotional, and energetic imprints of those past experiences and partners in our vajay-jays!

As an expert in sensual female empowerment, my message is clear:

Our bodies are sacred. No matter what spiritual beliefs we may or may not have, our body is absolutely worthy of respect and worship. If anyone is going to enter us, we deserve full sovereignty in that decision.

Sovereignty means making sure we’re fully ready and aroused, and not just saying yes to please a partner. It means making friends with our vagina and talking to her (I’m serious!). It applies to cocks, fingers, jade eggs, dildos, glass wands, vibrators, whatever. If it’s going inside, it’s a penetration of a deep, intimate, sensitive part of us.

If we override our “I’m not ready/I’m not sure,” and our decision is anything less than a “hell yes,” then basically deep down we’re telling ourselves that we’re unworthy.

We’re allowing a micro-transgression of our boundaries. And if we want to be deeply loved, cherished, and respected (and who doesn’t?), then it starts with the most intimate, receptive part of us.

How we allow our yoni (sacred cave, in Sanskrit, one of the few pleasant names for the vagina) to be treated, says everything about how we allow ourselves to be treated as women. Do we let people walk all over us? Do we give our power away? Do we think someone else knows best what’s right for our life, our health, our body?

We have a choice. We can start right now, by checking in and asking our yoni if she’s ready. I get my clients to check in regularly, especially by meditating on the connection between their heart and their yoni.

When we do this often, we tune into what a full-bodied “yes” feels like (and to our partners, a full-bodied yes is really hot!). Life becomes different when we allow our vaginas to do the talking.

In this post-#metoo era, with much talk of toxic masculinity and femininity, we have a radical, sacred opportunity to look at the way we relate on an intimate level.

We can educate ourselves about consent, and become better friends with our bodies and desires. In other words, empowering ourselves in our pleasure, figuring out what turns us on, and learning to communicate it.

We also need to make sure we treat our lovers with the same level of respect and reverence that we want for ourselves.

Oh, and by the way, the good news is that we can clear those old imprints. They can be released by working on them internally. This means regularly exploring gentle, intimate massage with our own fingers, or glass wand, or with the aid of a loving, supportive partner, or booking a yoni massage with an experienced practitioner with integrity.

We can commit to empowering our own healing journey and releasing those old stories.

Isn’t it time we started a conversation with our lady parts?


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