April 29, 2019

Why we get Hooked on Emotionally Unavailable Men.

The emotionally unavailable man is the one we know isn’t ticking all the boxes for us.

We feel despondent at the way he cuts off just when we are getting to the heart of the matter. We feel rejected when he just cannot seem to go the extra mile emotionally, even if he wants to.

We can often sense that his actions are not matching up with what is in his heart, and this is the very thing that keeps us sticking around. We can feel the potential, the love, and the wanting in his energy, but he either cannot or will not access it.

We fall in love with the hope that he will change.

We fall in love with his potential.

We fall in love with the glimpses he shows us of the sparks that we so desperately crave. Sometimes, they are the drops of truth induced by alcohol, or brought on when he has been stripped of his barriers by the energy of making love with us.

We go for the “fixer-upper” because our divine feminine nature makes us creatures of nurturing and healing. We feel that we will be the one who will break down his guard, we are convinced that we have so much love to give that it cannot possibly fail in its capacity to heal the shadows of this person’s heart.

We invest in the long game and tell ourselves that if we just give it enough time and good intentions, that he will start to change.

But be warned, ladies. This is a project that can last a lifetime if we let it. If we choose to invest our future in someone we know is emotionally unavailable, we will feel the sting every time we pour our love into a bottomless well; because there will be little or no return.

A man who is emotionally closed is a surefire hook for a woman with an open heart. We want to make the world a better place—and where better to start than by trying to heal our man’s pain so that he can be happy, and in turn give us a fulfilled relationship.

We don’t want to give up. Giving up doesn’t resonate with the power that runs through our female bloodlines. But wanting aside, it is a time to ask ourselves: Is this relationship bringing me toward my soul purpose or away from it?

Our energy is tied up in fighting for this relationship because we see just enough of what could beWe keep investing our time and emotions into this man who is not fully accessible to us. The potential keeps drawing us in, like a gambler who keeps playing to get the payout.

After all, we can feel his love for us, even if he can’t show it or rarely says it. We know he wants to be with us, even when he pulls his hand out of ours when things start to feel too intimate. We know he is attracted to us, even when he only kisses us for a matter of seconds before breaking off. We convince ourselves that this is enough and reason with our own brains that we cannot have everything, so having a person that loves us but can’t show it is enough.

Is it enough when we are feeling the dull ache in our stomachs when our emotional needs are not being met?

Is it enough that we imagine that he has played out the scenario of asking us to marry him, or taking any such action that throws emotional caution to the wind?

If we are willing to gamble our feelings in this way, and place our trust, hope, and faith on the promise of a payout one day, we may find ourselves emotionally out of pocket.

There is nothing concrete in the words hope or potential. We may as well try to grasp a cloud in our hands. Without actual evidence of real change, we are only clutching onto pie-in-the-sky ideas of what is possible.

Falling in love with the idea of something is never going to be fulfilling. I have travelled this journey of illusion a few times. I have been so desperate to believe that just beyond the fog lay the fruition of all my emotional investments that it completely clouded my judgment.

I eventually learnt to trust my gut feeling and that dull ache that was telling me that if something feels wrong, it is wrong.

We wouldn’t dream of going to a car salesman and investing in a car when its engine keeps cutting out, even though it ticks some of the boxes of what we want. The salesman tells us that the car might improve if we are a good enough driver. Do we invest in the chance that the car might one day run smoothly? If we choose to buy the car, we must know, understand, and accept that the car may always be faulty.

I’m not saying that true change never happens, but I’m saying that it never happens just because we want it so badly. It only ever happens when the man in question is ready to change for himself. That process will only start when he has reached a point in his life when he has a genuine desire to want to heal and grow—he won’t do it for you, or for anyone else, no matter how much love is there.

The potential to change is within us all. Whether we implement it is a different kettle of fish altogether.

While we are waiting for this man to have an epiphany moment, or for the universe to orchestrate a wake-up call, or for him to wake up one day and realise that he wants to change for us or for his children, our moments are ticking by. Our opportunities are passing over us. Our fragile gift of life is happening around us while we have all our focus channelled into this man who is not yet ready to receive.

It is possible for him to transform his life and open up emotionally, but this case scenario may be as rare as finding a diamond at the bottom of the ocean.

Our main focus should only ever be on ourselves—even if we have children or others to care for. We cannot give others nourishment if our own cup is empty. We need to focus on being the best version of ourselves and pour our love into our own thoughts, actions, and intentions rather than pour it into a chasm where it will serve no change other than to drain us of our life’s essence.

We are not here to fix others, but to allow others to be inspired to change by our own conscious journey to be the best version of ourselves.

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