My wife thought I wrote her a “Dear John” card for Valentine’s Day.

My wife and I are very much in love. Our marriage is the second one for both of us and we knew very early on what a strong connection we had. When we had been dating for only 6 weeks, we booked our one-year anniversary trip to Iceland. That was a great trip, but a different story for another time.

We’ve now been together for seven years, and married for three years.

In that time we’ve had a few stressors. Work. School. Aging parents. One teenager with some very complex mental health issues. Another teenager who is just a hormonal teenager. A health scare here and there. You know… life.

The first couple months of this year were particularly trying, and our relationship suffered for it.  We weren’t as patient with each other. There was some conflict. There was some doubt.

February 13th was one of those days. The older teen was having a particularly bad week. Tempers were short. I would even say we went to bed angry. But on my way to bed, I made sure I left the Valentine’s Day card for my wife on the kitchen table. I’d be at work by the time she gets up, but she’d be sure to see it there. I wouldn’t want her to miss it.

As it turned out, the kids were up late being noisy, so my wife had to get up and go into the kitchen to get them to simmer down. She saw the red envelope on the kitchen table, with my scrawl of her name across it.

Her first reaction was that it was a “Dear John” letter. She didn’t open it, and she lay awake that night worrying about it. That’s right… my wife thought I had left a “Dear John” letter on the kitchen table for her.

It was a distorted thought, for sure. Why would anyone think a red envelope on the eve of February 14th is anything but a Valentine’s Day card? But my wife had forgotten that it was February 13th. She was stressed. She was upset. It is obvious, now, that she was not operating from a place of safety.

I had this realization when I read Jayson Gaddis’ Elephant Journal post called “The Top 6 Things Women Want from Men”. In that article, one of the wants is “I want to feel safe with you”. I made the connection immediately, and it hit me hard. I had really let her down.

We got over that hurdle, and the hurdles since then. We love each other. We love being married to each other. We want to stay married to each other. I’m glad that we even laugh about that time.  “Remember that time you thought my Valentine’s Card was a break-up note?”

But I do regret it. I am sorry for her anguish that evening, justified or not. It was a valuable lesson for me. I know I want her to feel safe in our marriage. Just like I want to.