June 22, 2019

Until Death do us Part? I Can’t Promise you That.


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Trust me, I don’t claim to know the secret of a successful relationship.

But, I can share what I have noticed and learned since my husband and I started our amazing journey last year to reconnect, reset, and redefine our marriage.

Before I start, I am aware that I am talking here specifically about women and men simply because it’s the reality I am in, but I deeply believe that intimacy and relationship work are for all relationships. It’s time to raise human consciousness in a much wider and collective way.

When we got married, we thought we were invincible. We were so in love and so full of plans for a lifetime together. We were also young and immature.

From that magic came our two kids while we were also working on our careers. The days became split between work and time with the kids. We started taking turns between both, and soon, the endless snuggles turned into high-fives at the door. Love making, for me, became about me having to fulfill my “wifely duties” 80 percent of the time.

We stopped finding time for each other and started to call each other mom and dad. “Hey, dad, what time you coming home tonight?” “Hey mommy, kids have soccer today.”

That pattern, multiplied by nine years of time together, is the absolute antithesis of intimacy. I have recently heard the word intimacy as: “in-to-me-I-see.” So powerful, and yet, that was not happening for us. We were not “seeing into” ourselves or each other at all. We were in survival mode.

Last year, I reached a point of feeling so disconnected from my man that I had this major desire to live by myself. I needed space, silence, and an organized sanctuary to be in. And I thought that was the beginning of the end. I was afraid I didn’t love him anymore.

Knowing there was nothing else to lose (because we were already lost), I shared my feelings with him and it caught him completely off guard. As nervous and afraid as I was to share, that honesty was the greatest gift I could have given to both of us.

I realized then that it wasn’t the beginning of the end. It was actually the beginning of a new and much deeper relationship. Not only did my man love me, but he loved me strong enough to fight for us.

And so our journey toward healing began. It wasn’t pretty.

Under the guidance of our coach, many tears were shed, many screams were released in each other’s faces, and many masks were melted away. I saw this man’s heart being cracked wide open little by little, practice by practice, day after day.

We learned our “alpha” and “omega” roles. I learned how to soften and to surrender. He learned how to take full charge of opening me up. He also had to learn when he was closing me. To notice the nuances of a woman takes a tremendous amount of presence, and he is coming into his full presence in each moment.

We stopped taking things personally…most of the time. I am learning how to communicate with my body versus getting in my head and processing all my upsets before sharing them with him. I am learning how to say “ouch!” in the moment. He is learning how to feel into me so deeply that he knows what I need before I know it myself. In essence, we are “learning each other” in each and every moment.

It takes a lot of work. Many people don’t want to take the time for this. They either stay together for convenience or try to go find happiness in the next person.

To me, being together is a choice that is made every single day. I stopped promising him that from now on we will be together for the rest of our lives. There is no way we can actually know that.

Instead, I wrote him new vows:

I can’t promise we will stay together for the rest of our lives simply because lately we have been shown how life has its own script and all we get to do is follow the next steps, one at a time, and dance with it.


I can promise that while we are together I will always show up playing all the 88 keys of my piano.

I can promise that you will always witness the full range of my humanity.

I can promise that while we sleep on the same bed, I will always cross ankles with you.

I can promise to never take your existence for granted.

I can promise to be a safe container for you to also show up in all your humanity to me.

I can promise to only make love to you when my body is open to receive you.

I can promise to call you out when you are living in a small mind.

I can promise to kiss your lips at least once a day, every day that we are together.

I can promise to be your partner in all the trips we take together.

I can promise to jump from the airplane, if you do.

I can promise to take care of our cozy little home so you will always have a welcoming place to come back to.

I can promise to continue cultivating my Omega so you can thrive in your Alpha.

I can promise to be your source of energy so you can change the world in the ways you are inspired to.

All I can promise to you is the “right here and right now moment.”

…so let’s live each one fully.



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