July 19, 2019

The Wild Courage it took to Leave my Toxic as F*ck Relationship.


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You were supposed to be forever.

I am glad you aren’t.

I am glad you’re no longer in my “right now,” either.

Every time I tried to leave for over a year, you begged me to stay. I wanted to believe in love…in you.

The truth is, you aren’t love, you never were love, and you can never be love—for me.

Love doesn’t cheat on you.

Love doesn’t emotionally abuse you to the point of being so scarred inside it feels like every ounce of your being is hanging on by a thread.

Love doesn’t manipulate. It doesn’t take advantage of people’s kindness.

Love doesn’t throw you to the ground when they are drunk.

Love doesn’t board a plane the day after you find out you are pregnant and need to get an abortion, leaving you alone to deal, mend, and heal.

Love doesn’t have to be removed from the house by the police at 3 a.m. for putting its hands on me.

Love doesn’t try to creep back, only to slash the heart open once again. It either chooses to be present or not. It does not hurt you by leaving you hanging.

Love can be messy—but it is not hurtful, spiteful, or abusive.

Love does not leave you feeling hollow.

But you? You do all of those things.

I did not speak about them for so long, partially out of shame for staying as long as I did.

Leaving was hard, but I have learned it is so much easier than staying in your toxicity.

Women, or any human, should never feel shame from suffering. We should not feel weak for being hurt by people we tried to love.

But we must learn to love ourselves.

We need to stand in our worth with the power of a thousand armies, guarding our hearts, energies, and minds.

We need to believe and stand strongly in the idea that true love will never hurt, abuse, or misuse us intentionally.

If you are still in it and looking for the light, the way out, the courage to end it—you can do it. Keep going.

Love is out there, and, more importantly, it lives right inside of you.

Channel into that; let go of anything that brings that negativity in.

Be your own damn husband.


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Jen Tierney  |  Contribution: 170

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