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You may look at me as the classic definition of an “independent woman.”
I’m settled in life with a house I love.
I pay my own way, and I take care of all my business. I love to venture across the globe solo and have gone everywhere from churches to sex clubs by myself.
I am extremely comfortable being alone, and I spend time getting to know and improving myself. I am a work in progress, but I’m proud of where I am in this journey of life.
And I’m single.
Which is fine most days, except I want more, too. Of course I do.
There are a few common reactions I get from people when I say I’m single. The theme I’ve been reading and hearing most recently is that independent women are intimidating because men need to be needed, and someone who can take care of herself may want a man, but…that’s not the same. Someone who just wants to be with you can leave easier than someone who needs you, right?
I can’t speak for all independent ladies, of course, but if you want the love of a woman like me, you have to understand that you are needed.
Let’s be honest: I don’t need you for the typical things.
I don’t need you to survive, or for my happiness, or to complete me. I don’t need you to shelter me or control me. I don’t need you beside me because I am too scared to be alone or don’t know how to stand on my own or society tells me that I’m supposed to want to be married or because you’re so damn cute.
As an independent woman who is seeking a partner, please let me clarify a few things.
I want you, yes. But it is much more than that.
I want to need you.
I want to need you just as much as I want to be someone you need.
It’s just that my needs may be different than what you are expecting.
I need you to understand that I have been by myself for a long time, and I don’t know what the f*ck I’m doing, and that I’m scared as hell that I’m going to hurt you. Or that I will lose a piece of myself in an effort to not do so.
I need to believe you when you tell me that I’m stronger or braver or kinder than I think I am, because I know you’ll help me grow when I need that push, too. I need you to see those things in me when I can’t.
When I flinch when you reach to touch me, I need you to know that it is not because of you, and that I chose to be with you because you make me feel safe. Every time, every day, I chose you.
I need you to tell me that you want me. I wish I didn’t, but I need to hear your voice say the words that go along with your actions. To know that you chose me. That you want to need me, too. That I soothe you the same way you soothe me.
When I am hurt, when I push you away, I need you to know that this is when I need to be held closer—but I won’t ask for it. It is too scary to depend on you for this. Be patient with me. Chocolate helps, too.
I need you to need how my head fits perfectly on your chest and how my laugh makes you happy and how my arms make you feel safe, too. I need to know your favorite color so I can it on paint my toenails and to know all your dreams and to understand where you came from and where you want to grow.
There are the times I need you as much as I need lazy Sunday brunch dates.
Times when your touch sets me on fire and your voice soothes. When our passion is your hands pinning me by my throat or the noise that escapes your lips as you obey my command to kneel. When kink and tantra and magic and ecstasy and energy and play collide. When my hand caresses your cheek and I see that look on your face.
I need the way the sound of your voice saying my name gives me butterflies. The delicious energy waves when you pull me close. I need magic and adventure and comfortable silences and space and deep, open, and honest communication.
I need you to be safe when life gets hard or mistakes are made or we argue.
So it is not that I won’t need you. It’s just that the things I need aren’t materialistic or superficial—and sometimes I’m afraid that I need too much.
But ultimately, I will be with you because I want to need you.
Because you are safe to need.
Because you want to need me, too.