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August 28, 2019

Fall Down. Get Up. Repeat.

Is there anyone out there whose life is going as planned? Is this some kind of joke? Maybe it is just me – but so far every plan I have had gets hijacked….sometimes for the better – sometimes not.

I have learned to accept it. This is it. This is life. Fall down. Get up. Repeat. Fall down. Get up. Repeat. It’s usually more of a knocked down rather than a fall down.

I am a visual person, so as soon as I say or write something, I see it. Picture this….I am killing a dress and heels, walking along with my name tag shining, contracts in tow, smiling and thinking, “damn I’m good at this.”….then bam!…crack in the sidewalk – I fall down, lose my name tag and my pride, but get back up. I look around of course to see if anyone saw my confidence and freshly curled hair crash to the ground. Knee is a bit scuffed up, but time to carry on. I’m no longer smiling, but I am walking again.

That’s kind of what we do, over and over and over again. We either keep walking or we lay there on the sidewalk and give up. There are times I am exhausted. I want to give up. I think, surely, this busy mother with 4 children at home, can’t take one more thing. But I do. Sometimes I take it like a left to the jaw…but I get up, brush off that cute dress, and keep walking.

I hate to be positive to the point of annoying, but think about it. I guess life would be pretty darn boring if it all went as planned. Where would the challenge be? Granted – I’d prefer to have my plans changed with a winning lottery ticket rather than a cancer diagnosis….but we don’t get to choose those things. And I don’t play the lottery.

My most recent grandiose plans have suddenly changed. They’ve changed quickly and in multiple ways, and most of all – without my permission. What can I do? A part of me would like to curl up in bed and cry for a couple of days. It wouldn’t be that bad…a little Netflix, a little wine….

The wise, grown up me, (booooring), knows I need to take action. No time for wallowing – just decisions and survival. Remember when we were teenagers and our greatest concern was what we were going to wear Friday night? Wow – I’d like to still be my current age of 47 with that as my biggest decision again. I am not insulting younger people. The fact is, once you’ve lived more life, you’ve had no choice but to face some tough things. Our perspective changes because of it. By midlife you are sure to have been effected by divorce, health issues, family issues,deaths, money concerns, etc.. You are also sure to have gained a whole lot of strength. You may be a bad ass momma and not even know it. I’m here to remind you .;)

Go with it today. It is all you can do. Are you here? Are you alive? Then keep going.

Something hit me this morning. (not a fist thankfully) I know what I want in life. I know what feels good to me. But God has something else in store. He has been trying to guide me down a path for years that I have been ignoring. I think I am not strong enough, not confident enough or smart enough…but He disagrees. Doors are being closed left and right. But wouldn’t you know it? – other doors are opening. They aren’t comfortable doors. I like a big, pretty door that opens exactly as I expect it too. It isn’t squeaky – it leads to sunshine and happiness. (or so I think) The doors I am standing in front of now, are unknown. They aren’t pretty and I don’t know where they lead. They look messy to me – like the old doors I collect and swear I’ll paint some day. I am not swinging them open widely. I am carefully, little by little, taking a peek on the other side.

I have a favorite painting. It is my favorite painting in the world. “That Which I Should Have Done, I Did Not Do” (The Door), by Ivan Albright. To some it is just an old vintage door. To me, it stops me in my tracks. The first time I saw it at the Art Institute, I wanted to pull up a chair and stare at it for hours. They say when you find your favorite work of art, you will just know. It’s love at first sight. This is mine…

It is actually a bit spooky when you know all of the details. (google it) It is also extremely thought provoking. None of us want to leave this earth knowing we did not do what we were meant to do.

Right now, I am meant to get some caffeine brewing and take a shower. After that, I will continue to ponder life’s issues and maybe walk the dog. Baby steps.






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