At what point do you tell people to stop disrespecting you, belittling you, making you feel small and full of doubts and insecurities? And if it continues, is it self abuse because you’re allowing it? As a Black woman, my sexuality and femininity is questioned on a daily basis, from what I love to wear, my spirituality to the way i love. My emotions are as deep as the ocean, the extent on which I share them, everything with me that means something is expressed intensely- even friendship.

So I let him in, i fuckin let him in and he destroyed me. I thought he was a good friend, that he understood when I told him “No”, instead he made me feel like boiled crap, made me distance myself from myself, made me loath everything i was beginning to love about myself. I hated him and i hated every man, that feeling of uncontrollable rage and anger became so powerful, it was intoxicating. He ate daily at my thoughts, and i imagined ways I could hurt myself so he can feel what he did to me. He didn’t put his hands on me,  he just used words to sucker-punch me and holding on to that feeling… That’s what gave him power over me… But I exhaled

I exhaled all my frustrations and pain, i sobbed like an abandoned baby down the pier, i wailed and i prayed to God to teach me how to forgive this man. It’s very hard to forgivewhen that place of pain tries to drown you, when the feeling is overwhelming, but I came back from it, I thought I had healed, but I haven’t, it fuckin hurts i feel like I’m going to go out of breath any time, i want to cry…. For the first time, i hate him…