Last week, I read an article by an Arabic writer “Shireen Abu al Naja”, and the subject of that article came to the surface and made my blood boil. The article title is “I am not a mother, then I don’t exist”.

Shireen talked about her suffering of not being able to be a mother, how she had to deal with all the implications, starting with her mother then society.

Then she made a connection between the Eastern and Western cultures. She explained how social projections exist on both sides of the world. These projections define what a woman should follow and live by, how she become accepted and recognized by society as a complete woman if she follows them.

She presented the struggle of two women as an example. Her first example was the French philosopher Simone de Beauvoir, the other example was the Morocan sociologist Fatima al Marneesi.

Abu Al Naja stated that the struggle was the same for both ladies. Women femininity and her existence have been always defined, judged and measured by what the society present.

Then she introduced the well-known American poet Adrienne Rich, describing her transformation and the pressure she felt of how motherhood changed her life and affected her as a writer and a human being. Again, that pressure was caused by the social projections she had to face defining her role as a woman, human being and even as a writer.

I married at 29. One of my priorities was to have children; I wanted to have a dozen. That is how much I was considering children and motherhood. My ex-husband and I had a disagreement and we had a divorce, without children. From that point, everything changed.

Years ago, I was sad and longed for being a mother, but that truly changed after a totally new mindset regarding myself, children and other aspects of my life.

Verse from the Quran that truly made me think deeply and redefined how I perceive the subject of having children and it’s relationship to my existence as a woman. The versus states:

“Wealth and children are an adornment of the life of this world. But with regard to (immediate) reward, ever-abiding righteous deeds are the best in the sight of your Lord, they (also) promise the best hope (in respect of the future)”

That made me think, that money and children are mere “adornment” for LIFE. Then the base is LIFE ITSELF. So, I decided that I want that life and I don’t want that adornment discarding life itself, if it comes so it is, if not then I HAVE A LIFE.

And while building and constructing that new belief; many questions arise.

What is femininity, maternity and motherhood, how can it be truly defined?

Who can define it for me?

Are the women who didn’t have any children are not able to actualize the “MOTHERHOOD” instinct they have built-in inside?

I strongly believe that there is no specific or one answer to the questions above. No one should define that for a woman, each woman should pave her own resolution after searching and experiencing life.

through the past years, I found out that feminine energy is part of a whole system inside us which includes masculine and feminine energy. Where both men and woman have these two energies inside them, and they can use both of them to live a harmonious life.

Masculine energy has to do with thinking, doing, dominant, hardness, etc., While feminine energy has to do with being, intuition, softness, nurturing, creation etc.. where all of these are solid components of motherhood.

What I came to realize after these years that:

• Every female is a full-fledged mother without a child. Motherhood is a condition of containment and mercy. Mercy in Arabic is “Rahma” which might be derived from “Rahem” which is: “the womb”. That state of mercy and containment is the result of balanced feminine energy. Some of the mothers who have children are born and live through life with wounded femininity.
• Motherhood is a state of creation and manifestation. There are procreations and creativity of another kind other than childbirth and the woman who is satisfied practicing her motherhood with ONLY procreation of children, has forbidden herself of experiencing the full dimensions of this spiritual capacity she holds inside by nature. I don’t deny what bringing children could add to a woman, but I don’t agree for it to be the only way for her to practice a part of her being and humanity.
• I have been told that I have to have children to complete and integrate my femininity as I believe most of the women were told. If each woman could connect deep inside, she would feel and know that her femininity and maternal instinct is a pure state of being, it is an explosive inner treasure that is not only inspired by an outer definition or even by having children. I would encourage each woman reading this to repeat this mantra:

 

“I am a female and a mother, even though I did not have children. I PRACTICE THAT DAILY”

We contain others, we embrace them with mercy, we create, and we add to the whole creation process of this universe who we truly are. We don’t only bring children, we bring a full dimension of the human spectrum, we create it, we give birth to it and share it with the universe.

This is what I live by and coach the little ladies to embrace, if they want to be more than one definition that is imposed by society over history. Explore and discover yourself. You have a lot to give, create and share. Be a mother integrated into whole femininity even when you don’t have children. You already have it inside you, and it is mere a chapter of your story, your life story has many other chapters.