Ending with love.
The first time I heard the term “Conscious Uncoupling,” used by Vishen Lakhiani, founder of Mindvalley, it felt familiar. Like an old hat I kept losing, only to find in the unlikeliest of places.
Perhaps, it resurfaced because something in me knew I needed to uncouple. Something I had been resisting for some time now.
Historically, I have been slow to respond where I need to, and yet overreactive or too quick to respond to things better taken slowly. Every serious relationship I’ve been in has taken me a long time to leave, even knowing that I needed to.
This time, we were approaching the 10-year mark. My longest yet. It hasn’t been all bad. There are many wonderful attributes of my partner, and yet I knew I needed to end this for my own path to continue.
How, I wondered, can I do it consciously and lovingly? I don’t buy into the myth that you have to hate your ex, or blame them, or make them the wrong one, even though I did plenty of this throughout the 10 years. It was in identifying my own dysfunctional behaviours that I found the path to conscious uncoupling.
About a year ago, I hit my “done” place. I told him, “If we don’t change our patterns, we will be done in a year.” I had been here before, always stuck in blame, judgment, and resentment. The very things I was faulting him for. I was aware of this mirror, even though I still couldn’t see my part.
I decided to do something different. I began observing my own behaviours. I noticed that I always thought of his wants, needs, emotions, and reactions before my own. I was constantly trying to manage his moods and negative outlook because they made me uncomfortable. I would caretake his feelings, manipulating to get the outcome or response I wanted. I shut down emotionally, or would use my emotions to control. I blamed him for anything not going the way I wanted it to in my life. I withheld love. All in an effort to feel safe. All are classic codependent behaviors that track directly back to my childhood.
I no longer had to wonder what had kept me from ending it. In seeing my part, I was also empowered to do something about it. Armed with this understanding, I finally was able to say I want to go separate. I need to work on my dysfunctional behaviours and programming. Oh boy did that open up my can of worms! Making a statement like that took me directly into it.
And this is exactly what Conscious Uncoupling is all about. It is an opportunity to clear up our part—including the baggage that comes with it. I have learned and grown a ton in these past 10 years. Still, here at the “end” lies a pot of gold; all the wounds, programs, and beliefs that began in childhood, have been reinforced throughout my life, creating the repeating patterns in every relationship. This gold is to be melted down and reformed into a healthier me, having learned the lessons and value of those wounds, programs, and beliefs.
The alchemical transformations I am experiencing and embodying in my own Conscious Uncoupling:
“I am not safe >> to I am always safe.
I am not enough >> to I am enough.
I have to hate my ex >> to I love and value my ex.
We can’t be friends >> to we are friends.
I regret this >> to I am grateful for this.
It’s your fault >> to I own my part and can change it.
I have to earn love >> to I am love.
Happily ever after >> to happy, even after.” ~ Katherine Woodward-Thomas
This is the power of Conscious Uncoupling. In this way, we can reclaim our own power, heal the wounds holding us back, and release with love and gratitude.