Every relationship, divorce and person is unique, so while one person may come out of a divorce feeling happy and free, another may come out devastated.  Regardless, at some point you may want to start to get out there and date again. 

Dating can be all sorts of things: fun, exhausting, exciting, scary…  And after a divorce, it really is different than before you had been married.  You are just not the same whether you want to admit it or not.  

Below I share some common issues that come up in dating after a divorce so that you can know how best to handle them should you find yourself facing them yourself.

 

Life in general was completely different before kids, right?  Well, dating is no different.

When you do decide to venture out into the dating scene, there is one, main drastic difference than when you were single: who you choose to date is not just about you.  I mean, yes, initially, you do need to find someone with whom you have compatibility, physical chemistry, etc. But, when you were single, you never had to ask yourself these types of questions:

• Will this person be kind to my children?
• Will my children like this person?
• Will this person fit in with our lifestyle?
• Will this person be understanding that my children come first instead of them and our time together?

Or consider the following:

• When can I invite this person into my home? (when single, this probably was not something you even thought about)
• How am I going to pay for a sitter or even get one so I can go out with this person?
• When and how do I introduce my children to this person?
• What if my children don’t like this person?
• What if my kids and this person don’t get along?

BALANCING ACT: FITTING IT IN

Also, dating as a single parent can be very tricky.  Single parents are usually the most busy and spread-thin people out there.  Fitting in dating can be quite a balancing act. Where do you fit it in among work, spending time with the kids and now doing everything in the household that, at least to some degree, you used to share with another person?  It can be quite taxing and time-consuming.

This is actually where some people can find themselves getting into trouble. And by that, I mean settling for the wrong relationship.  Beware of just settling for someone because you get tired of dating and want to be with someone because you are lonely or are just used to being with someone.  Yes, it can feel good to have someone there by your side again and to not have to stress yourself out trying to fit in dating among everything else; especially if the dates seem to be one disappointment after another.  One “good enough” date or person can feel like a relief, but ultimately set you back some time in finding someone you really want to be with.

While every divorce situation is different, most of the time, there is usually some time where the other parent does have some time with the children.  Although sometimes this is not the case, let’s assume the other parent does have some time with the children.  Hopefully that can be time where you can focus on just you and fit in your dating life.  Now again, this can be a bit tricky with dating.  What do I mean by that?

DATING ANOTHER SINGLE PARENT

Well, let’s say you start dating another single parent with children.  Commonly, shared custody among single parents is every other weekend. If your weekend with your kids is not the same weekend that the other person has with their kids, then this is truly going to make dating quite difficult.  The bottom line is that two people need time alone to create a solid relationship.  Especially two single parents.  Before even thinking about having you meet each other’s children or having your children meet one another, establishing a strong relationship between the two of you needs to happen first.

When you have younger kids (under age 12), especially, you really need to consider that this other person is going to be influential in their lives to some degree.  If this person moves into your home, they will have an impact on your children’s developmental years.  Looking at how this person parents their own children, what type of relationship they have with them and discussing views on parenting, discipline, etc., are important before moving forward.

You also need to consider the ages of your children and the other person’s children.  If the two of you end up spending a significant amount of time together, will you be able to go do things with everyone that everyone will enjoy?  Say, if your kids are infants and his are teenagers, what types of things will you all do together?  Or, if they are all around the same age, do they have similar interests?

Some things single parents run into that they do not consider before introducing their significant other to their children or their children to each other are:

• This can be difficult for the kids. They may not initially like your new partner. It may take some time for them to warm up to a new person being in your life that is not their other parent.
• The kids may also not like one another at first. They may be worried that you will love them more than them or that you will give them more attention.
• The kids may become very attached to the other person and their children, so make sure whomever you bring into their lives, you feel strongly about. Even if it does not work out, bringing in a constant stream of people into their lives is confusing and can be emotionally painful.
• Your ex or theirs may get jealous and say things to the kids to try and undermine your relationship. This is unfortunate when this occurs, but it does. If you find out that any ex is saying things like “mommy is going to love the other kids more than you now,” or badmouths the new partner to try to get your kids to not like them, the only thing you can do is ask them to stop and then reassure the children of the opposite.

The main thing to consider when dating another single parent is that your children and their needs and feelings need to be considered as well.  You both come as a package now.  The other person is dating all of you just like you are dating all of them.

While certainly complicated at times and not without many things to consider, the beauty of dating another single parent is that you both “get” each other without having to say a lot. You have both been through the divorce and come out the other side and know the ups and downs of being a single parent.  At its best, you get to have your kids together, hanging out having fun while the two of you get to do the same, without having to get a sitter or stress about how to find a rare moment to be together.

DATING SOMEONE WHO HAS NO KIDS

Now what about if you are dating someone who has never had kids?  Sounds like in comparison to what was just discussed above and all the things to consider with dating another single parent that this may be the way to go, right?  No need to consider custody schedules, if their kids and your kids will get along, or if their ex will be a problem…..much less complicated, right?

Well…maybe.  But not so fast there.  Let’s think about this.  Think about yourself before you had kids.  Then think about after you had your first child come home with you the first day.  How your entire world changed. You realized that your time and your needs suddenly came last to this little person.  It took some time to get used to.  You could not just get up and go whenever you wanted.

A single person who has never had kids or maybe even never been around them may not understand when you have to last-minute cancel a date because your kiddo is sick or your ex asked you to cover their night because their flight home from a business trip got delayed.  They may not understand that you cannot be there with them at their event because your kiddo is a tree in the 3rdgrade play or that they can’t spend the night at your house because your kids aren’t ready for another person to be there yet.

They may not understand the financial strain and stress of trying to pay for and find a sitter when you two go out for a quick date.  Not to mention some guilt you may feel for not only leaving your kids but spending money that you tell yourself you could be spending on them rather than on yourself.  It is ok to get a sitter and have a life.  Guilt is normal, but please do not beat yourself up!

You do not want to have to choose between your kids and your significant other. And you want to be able to spend time with both and not disappoint either. You may try to even explain this to your significant other, and they may try to understand, but ultimately, they can’t really because they are not a parent.

GO HAVE FUN AND GET OUT THERE

I do truly hope all you divorced single parents do get out there and date again.  You all do deserve love and a great relationship. I always think it is good to be aware of what you may face out there so you can think about how you would handle those situations.   Happy dating!