November 14, 2019

Your Lover(s) did not Break You. You Broke Yourself.

So he/she hurt you, manipulated you, used or abused you, and perhaps lied to you or betrayed your trust?

In the complexity of our human relationships, the romantic ones are those that hurt us the most.

I used to point fingers at the men I thought I loved and who I thought “broke” me. I blamed them for my unhappiness, and I blamed them for feeling small.

I would go from one severe period of anger, rage, and depression to the other.

I could not make complete sense of my inner rage that would destroy a whole damn city. Because it was always like dynamite residing within the walls of my heart, ready to explode.

I would find a reason for this inner hurt—and that would be usually a man from my past.

I would sit and cry over this imagined hurt, and my “monkey mind” would write a whole damn story/script that would be worth a Hollywood movie about how I was the victim and he was the villain.

But I thought wrong. Replaying this script in my mind did not take me to my inner happiness.

Blaming anyone would only cause me to lose the power of my own self-responsibility, which would eventually bring me inner freedom and a deeper understanding.

There was always a “him” who broke my heart and f*cked my mind completely.

I tried so many times to stop the anger inside of my veins, and it would erupt even with more intensity if I just tried to silence it or relax it.

I had to feel it all. There was no other way.

And I did not want to feel it all.

I did not want to see my inner script and the screen of my mind playing this horror movie when I was the one being “killed” by love.

I did not want to read these self-created lines about my failure in my relationships, and I would either blame my past lover(s) or myself or both.

Slowly, as I contemplated more deeply and allowed myself to feel all these intense “negative” emotions that would not leave me alone unless I felt them all, I came to have new insights. One of them shocked me and shook me to my core: I was not able to forgive myself either for my poor choices or for having zero boundaries in my relationships, for not having any integrity and being truthful to myself, for compromising my core values for the love of another by always saying yes to them and no to myself.

I prayed and cried a river, and asked for help from the Universal Intelligence or from my Spirit Guide(s).

I felt more than once that I was heard. I can’t explain how. I just had moments of witnessing these otherworldly beings either bring peace into my heart when I was full of anger or send a cool breeze over my face and feet to let me know I was heard and that they were there if I was willing to listen to their answers to my questions and take responsibility for my own inner well-being and happiness.

In the beginning, the prompts of these invisible spirits were not easily visible, but I could feel them.

I would resist them in the beginning until I decided that I wanted to grow, understand, and move forward with my life. But it took me time to understand, to forgive my old self for her past understanding and choices.

She was hurt. She was perhaps very young—or she was just a bunch of conditioning and childhood traumas. She was not really living. Her traumas were living through her. Her shame was living her, her guilt was breathing her, her non-forgiveness was directing her.

Because any time she got hurt, she closed the doors. She slammed them to her own face.

But then, I grew up and I saw her—and now I feel for her.

Now I understand her.

Now I see her.

Now I want to hug her and tell her, “Hey honey, it is okay. I am here. Take my hand, and let’s begin a new life.”

I think she listened to the intelligence within me, this bigger part of my Spirit who knows all and everything, even without knowing. She finally listened. She is finally surrendering to that intelligence.

So she and I are growing every day. We are transforming together. I am licking her wounds, and she is trusting me to tell me her deepest secrets and fears with complete trust.

This old me is holding my new hand, and together we are healing. Together, we are pursuing dreams and desires of the heart.

This old me now understands what she could not in the past.

She and I are reuniting—because now I understand fully there could be no future if we don’t accept all our past, take responsibility for our past fully, and move forward to creating new realities where magic is real and a different dimension of being is possible where dreams slowly begin to manifest.

But it takes surrendering to the wisdom within and accepting our own flaws and shortcomings and initiating a self-forgiving process that would transform us into a more authentic way of being in the world.

And authenticity brings integrity.

And integrity brings a whole new dimension that did not exist before within our chest. It’s the pull of the entire Universe walking beside us, with us as one. We feel in alignment with the Intelligence within and around us, and we trust we can be whomever we dreamed to be. And we live those dreams by conscious choices every single day.

This is how we take our power back. By blaming no one, by forgiving ourselves and living our authentic lives.

Finally, we find our voice. And we speak up. And the whole Universe is our audience.

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