December 25, 2019

I get Tired of Hearing the Reason I’m Single is Because a Man Abused Me.

Yes, I’ve chosen to be single.

You know what I get tired of hearing? That the reason I am single is because a man abused me.

Let that soak in.

Yes, I was in an abusive relationship. The type that makes your stomach turn and your bed seem like a sentence to a crime you never committed. But, it most definitely is not why I am single.

Please, let’s not give him the power that I took back for myself. The power to choose. The power to be content in solitude. The power to choose myself, and moments, and hours in the evenings for journaling and reading, catching up with friends, long baths, and, well, whatever I want to do. The power to lay in a bed on my own and feel as though I’m warm and secure and comforted all by myself.

The power to self-discover, to fall and weep, and scream, and realize I gotta lean on myself in those moments. The power of looking at no face but mine in the mirror, and still finding myself worthy of being told I was beautiful and worthy. The power of getting ready and not having anyone to impress. The power of gaining weight and telling myself that it was all good and we could rock this.

The power to realize I don’t have to ask someone else to hang this, or move that, or do this, or do that. The power to sweat and swear, hang things lopsided, and get bruised and banged up in the attempt. The power to feel frustration in learning how to do things for the first time, and to glorify my attempts and the many holes in my walls as my stepping into discomfort.

The power that I get to grab coffee with humans, build relationships, have soulful conversations, and feel so content in that without feeling as though I have to invite them back to my bed. The power to feel confident, good, and completely liberated in discovering places for the first time.

The power to not follow society’s rules that I should technically be already married and have reproduced again by now. The power to feel good that I’ve taken time to get to know me, and the power to realize that I needed time to heal, and grieve, and celebrate, and learn, and be humbled and grow. On my own.

Let’s not give him the power that I took back for myself to feel loneliness and sadness instead of filling the void without growth and healing. The power of seeing areas I needed to work on and heal through. The power of realizing I am loyal and capable of loving selflessly.

Let’s not give him the power of choice in itself. Only I hold the power of being a woman and owning my choices when society may disagree; the power of being able to stand firmly in what I feel strongly about; the power of feeling what I feel, and not seeing singleness as selfishness, but as freeing and so full of love and light; the power of having patience with and loving this time of my life; the power to feel I am worthy as I am, and not only if accompanied by a plus-one.

No. Only I can own the power to decide that dating simply just isn’t my priority, and to listen to my soul on this one.

The power to step into my story and give my soul what it needs. The power to step into discomfort, and to rock out a new, profound, and terrifying way of life. The power to realize I honestly don’t want glimmer on my finger when others my age are staring through glass windows at diamond rings. The power to listen to my intuition, not settle, and realize what a partner in life actually looks like for me.

Abuse has indeed rocked my world, and I have learned both what love looks like and what it sure does not ever need to resemble, because I’ve taken this time for myself.

When we give abuse power for some of the most profound, awakening, real, and radically humbling years of our lives, we are self-minimizing. We are saying that we are powerless. To my fierce, single, recovering ladies out there: we are not powerless. We are soul grinders, warriors, single by choice, growing into ourselves all by ourselves. We are love, all on our own.

“It was when I stopped searching for home within others and lifted the foundations of home within myself I found there were no roots more intimate than those between a mind and body that have decided to be whole.” ~ Rupi Kaur

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