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December 23, 2019

Mix last minute shopping with mental health issues and this is what it looks like.

So today is THE day I HAVE to shop.

It’s down to the count.

My brain and I did some hard core intensive group therapy this morning.

Here’s what that looked like :

Generalized Anxiety – There is going to be crowds and small talk, people are going to be sweaty, you are going to be sweaty. What if there are no parking spots? What if you hit another car, like you did last year while trying to back out of a parking spot?

Worry – What if there is nothing left that you want? What if you can’t find stockings – ya cut it too close? What if they hate every single thing you buy? What if it doesn’t fit? What if you forget wrapping paper? What if you leave you keys in the mall again like you also did last year?

Inner Critic- Well IF you had started earlier, you not would be in this situation – you did this to your self! IF you were better organized you wouldn’t need to go to the dollar store every year for Christmas Stockings! IF you can’t find what you need – it’s all your fault! IF you had ordered online, you wouldn’t need to worry about your keys, now would you??

Depression – Man, this is going to SUCK! Are you tired yet? I’m tired just thinking about it! Maybe we should just wait – like till late tonight – when you are less tired? Remember that year, when you got pneumonia and like, you didn’t have to do much – best year ever! Nope, ya didn’t think of that one did ya? Now, you have to put on make up, pants and a damn bra!

Trauma – Ahhhhhhh by the way – Don’t forget you have to take Mom to church tomorrow! Don’t forget what happened once in a car, as you drive your car there! Don’t forget how cluster phobic you are or WHY? Don’t forget to lock the car doors! Don’t forget anything bad that has EVER happened in your entire life – This is a time, when you need to be in survival mode!

Panic Disorder – Hold my beerI I’ve got this! I’m gonna throw in a whopper of a panic attack in one of those many many many long checkout lines you have to stand in today. I know exactly how to F*CK shit up!

Inner Underdog – Panic disorder for the win…..again. This is so unfair.

Me – I’m going to medicate the hell out of ALL of you, use all my DBT skills. Stay in the moment and hope for the best…Yes I know all you freaks are coming with me but can we pretend it’s a family reunion of sorts and just smile, fake it and pretend we have all our ducks in a row for the day and everyone just be nice to each other?

This Trauma Queen gets Half Baked Ben and Jerry’s ice cream when she gets home, although I’ve never tired it – getting really baked sounds good right about now and it’s legal so anxiety doesn’t have to worry anymore…

” And that it something to think about for next year” whispers my inner optimism!

We all have these thoughts – let’s stop pretending it’s not normal to have them.

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