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February 12, 2020

Darling, I hope you know.

It’s as though everything beautiful comes to life and swirls through me, awakening the love that I have hidden inside for so many years.

This is how I feel every time I look at you, into you.

I can see your heart. Your divine raw heart. I can see your conflict and your struggle. Your kindness. Your love. Not for me, not for someone or something, but for humanity. For goodness. For all of life.

I catch myself falling for you. I remember the endless times that I’ve lost in love and silence my heart.

Yet, when I see you, I am mesmerized. It’s not easy, my love. Your overpowering beauty makes it hard to focus on the words you say to me. I am a terrible listener around you, I confess. I try. I really do. But I often (awkwardly) fail to remember your last word or two or hundred because I keep losing myself in the endless beauty that is you.

Your eyes are oh, so beautiful. And so is your smile and the tiny little smirk at the corner of your eye. And the way your eyes narrow when you are deep in thought. You see? It’s impossible to keep up with what you say.

I can see with astonishing clarity your essence and your goodness. It flows through you, right into me and tickles my heart when it isn’t even looking.

You do not try to make your angelic nature known. You are real. You are genuine.

But I am too old for naïve assumptions. I refuse to place you on an airy pedestal. I know you hurt and struggle and I know you try. I know you hide your feelings and conceal your emotions. I know there are days when you feel you are not good enough. And other days when you wonder if you are living a life of benefit that is true to your soul.

You are the most open and closed person I’ve met. You are comfortable with your own vulnerability and you let it dance with your masculine energy, but you also hide behind an armor that I cannot seem to defeat.

But this makes you more: it makes you real, like art. You are beautifully and tragically human. You are art.

Your presence comforts me yet your beauty paralyzes me. When you touch me, I feel like I am being carried away by a thousand oceans and when you are down, I know the true meaning of empathy, for I find myself there, with you. In your company, I feel an unusual urge to hug you, love you, and take your pain away. In all honesty, I do not want this, for I spent long days and weeks “mothering” big boys because I thought that’s the only way I could be loved back. But with you, these are not my reasons. I am clueless as to why I feel you, and why I want you to be happy.

Darling, I am sorry, but this makes me uneasy, so I try to silence my over-pouring heart.

If I only know why I feel you.

I want to know what it feels like be fully present with your raw humanness.

A mindful moment of being utterly lost in you…with you…telling you how I see you without speaking. Seeing your soul through your eyes and falling in love with every bit of it.

But then I remember that I don’t want this. Another lover, another possibility for heartbreak. I’ve grown independent and strong. I value space above all else. But if I could stop being infinitely hypnotized by your presence, believe me, darling, I would.

If it’s not in the cards to ever truly know your heart, and your heart to know mine, I will not be sad with frustration. For I am no longer a foolish girl. I do not want your selfish love.

But I would still want you to know that the universe comes to life through your smile, so I ask the wind to carry this little prayer to you:

I hope your kindness never stops to cast rainbows upon every road you travel, every conversation you have, and every soul you know.

I hope you know that the goodness within you has no boundaries and will never cease to flow.

And if the wind loses its way, just know that the love I felt within you made me smile every day I’ve seen you.

I hope you know. I hope you know.

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