February 27, 2020

I’m Bisexual—& I’ll Happily Hook Up with a “Straight” Woman.

We’ve all heard the story of a “straight” woman who gets wasted at some party and ends up making out with another woman.

Maybe they go further than making out—doesn’t really matter.

These women wouldn’t ordinarily hook up with someone of the same sex outside of alcohol and drugs; they’ve only ever dated men. But a few vodka-crans down, and someone’s red lipstick has an alluring quality to it that they just have to try out.

The Katy Perry “I Kissed A Girl” girls of the world, if you will.

They aren’t a myth. I know quite a few “straight” women who frequently engage in queer activity (almost always drunk or high) but cross the line at identifying as anything other than straight. I’ve hooked up with them, too.

As someone who is part of the LGBTQ community, I’ve gotta say, I really don’t mind. I’m a 22-year-old bisexual woman (although that isn’t limited to just cisgender individuals), and I personally have no beef with women who are “bicurious” or occasionally experiment.

But within the community, there are a lot of conflicting and strong opinions about these “I Kissed A Girl” types.

Some people feel these women are inauthentic or that they are playing with other people’s emotions. Other people go as far as to label these women as threats to LGBTQ progress and equality.

I’ve known people to use these “straight” women as rationale to question other people’s orientation—“You’re not really bi/lesbian/queer; you’re no different than girls who drunkenly hook up with other women but are straight.” And then I’ve known queer folk to demonize these straight (?) women, blaming them for bi-erasure and systematic homophobia.

In my opinion, both are wrong.

I sympathize that some of these sentiments come from valid places. I know there are lots of lesbian women who have been played by straight (?) women who just used them and ultimately went back to men. I get that some people would rather hook up with individuals who are proudly queer; it’s painful to dive back into the closet with someone. And there are instances where people later deny the drunk hookups, which can certainly be a hit to our egos and sense of self.

Ambiguity is challenging, but when it comes to simple hookups, I just don’t understand the alarm.

If some woman wants to experiment with me, I’m down with it. I know who I am, and if you’re trying to figure it out (or are in denial), that is your personal business.

Sexuality for so many is a journey, a really confusing and ever-changing journey. If you want me to be part of that journey and I get to hook up with someone I’m attracted to in the process, who cares?

Especially if we’re just talking hookups. I’d definitely feel different about a relationship because I’m not trying to be an emotional testing ground. But a hookup really is just physical, or at least that is what I consider it. If someone has daddy issues, commitment issues, or buried queer desires, that’s not for me to figure out.

If you’re dancing with me at a party, kissing my neck, and tracing my cleavage with your finger, I don’t really care if you consider yourself “straight” or not. Actions speak louder than words in this instance, and our actions are speaking sexy volumes.

Sexuality is so fluid, like really f*cking fluid. Why should I deny myself the pleasure of a fun one-night stand just because someone hasn’t determined exactly where they fall on the spectrum? If they are a consenting adult and visibly/verbally eager to hookup, their “label” is just a side note.

Maybe it’s just a generational thing, but honestly, if a “straight” woman wants to experiment with women, that’s their prerogative. And I don’t see the point in passing judgment, or worse, demonizing these women, just because they are figuring things out or testing the waters.

To me, it seems like pointless negative energy to spend or spread.

I feel like the further away we get from stigmatization and strict labels, the more we are going to figure out that most people would liberally interact with sexuality if given the opportunity. For some people, maybe alcohol and drugs present them with that freer, less-inhibited state of mind. Maybe that is the only time they feel comfortable enough to act on their sexual desires.

And while I do think that everyone has at least one queer bone in their body, there are people in my life who if they do have that bone, it’s a little pinky toe. So that being said, if a woman is continuously hooking up with members of the LGBTQ community, I think it is safe to say they fall somewhere on the queer spectrum.

Self-identification doesn’t make you queer or not queer. If that were the case, I bet there would be a lot of individuals (especially in places and times where the world was more hateful) who would wish themselves straight. I didn’t choose my sexual orientation; I was born this way (thank you, Gaga).

Identifying as straight doesn’t necessarily make you straight, but that is not for me to figure out for someone else.

Instead of ostracizing and demonizing these women as harmful to the LGBTQ community, I think empathy is a better alternative. I completely understand the desire to only hook up with people who are proud of their identity—you do you, babe. But not everyone is there, and not everyone is going to get there either.

If it’s not your style to hook up with women who claim they are “straight,” don’t do it. I respect that personal boundary; it makes a ton of sense. But as a community, we don’t need to vilify the women who get “queer struck” once they have a little bit of drink in them either.

I, for one, have no problem hooking up with “straight” women who approach me looking for a fling…when I’m single, at least.

If someone is kissing my inner thighs, their label (whatever it is) doesn’t really matter.

It’s drowned out by the moans, anyway.


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