When I told my therapist that I don’t like going out because people suck, she asked, “Why do you think these people are bad people?”

And I clarified, “No, no, they aren’t bad people. I’m sure they’re wonderful people. They just suck.”

“Okay, what does a person do that makes them suck?” she asked.

And here’s what I said:

1. You’re rude to service staff.
This might be the clearest indicator that you suck. If you’re rude to service staff, it means you certainly have never worked in the service industry. And, if you have worked in the service industry, and you are rude to service staff, you’re a sociopath who should not be allowed to own small animals.

2. You say any variation of “Mhm, uhuh, yeah, right, sure” more than five times while someone is talking to you.
You’re not listening to me. Nothing about this behavior is an indication that you’re listening. If anything, it is the sound of words warming up in your mouth to jump in at the next possible moment.

3. When someone is trying to exit a conversation, you keep talking for another 20 minutes.
This is especially true when someone has placed their hand on the doorknob of an exit. This is a clear sign that they want to leave. Yes, it is fascinating what Jeff Bezos said in that interview and, you’re right, global warming is a real issue, and yes, yes, of course, the trade war in China is concerning, but I also have sh*t to do.

4. You insist on putting your arm around people when they have asked you not to.
The “why” is pretty sown into this one. It’s creepy, it’s aggressive, it’s an invasion of personal space. It sucks, you suck, knock it off.

5. You are a perfectly capable human being who takes the elevator up one floor.
If you walk slowly on subway platforms, fine. If you stand in front of the ATM after finishing your transaction to answer a text message, okay. If you spend five minutes at the register of a café telling the barista about your cat’s yeast infection, you’re going to burn in hell, but still, sure. But if you take the elevator up a single floor while you’ve got a perfectly capable pair of legs on you, you are hands down, the worst.

6. You think it’s funny to make people feel bad.
If you’re old enough to be in a bar with me, and this is still something you find funny, you are scoring exceptionally high on the suckage meter.

7. You get joy out of spoiling entertainment for people.
Not caring about mainstream entertainment is, like, super rad, but plenty of people do. If you don’t like mainstream entertainment, but find ruining people’s joy entertaining, you absolutely suck.

8. You’re mean to dogs.
It’s fine not to like dogs. Everyone has their thing. I don’t trust you, but you don’t necessarily suck. But, if you are intentionally, explicitly cruel to any animal (but especially dogs) then, you suck, you’re residing out in the ninth circle of suck.

9. You look for any excuse to turn conversations into an argument in which you hold the moral high ground.
Example: vegans are great. I have many friends who are vegan. However, I’ve known a few vegans to navigate a conversation toward an ethical debate on animal rights for the sake of feeling good about having the high ground. Well, of course, if you’re a vegan, you hold the moral high ground in that situation. I am consuming slaughtered living beings. You care about all creatures, value life. You even create less waste. Yet, still, somehow, you suck more.

10. At a party, where no one has asked you to play guitar, you play seven songs on the guitar.
You’re just not that good at guitar. Almost nobody is that good at guitar. And, those who are, are at much better parties.

And my therapist said, “Oh, well, I think we’ve got a long road ahead of us.”

~

Bonus: