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March 27, 2020

I Became Addicted to Alcohol and there is Nothing Wrong with Me.

I was talking to my sister yesterday about shame, particularly, why I have NO shame about my experience with alcohol. When you boil it all down, that’s really all it was, an experience. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. I am not abnormal or flawed or any less of a person because I became addicted to alcohol. It wasn’t something I chose or I planned, it was an experience I had. Period.

I never drank alcohol with the mindset that I was ingesting a drug. I never drank alcohol with the mindset that I could become addicted to that drug. I’m not sure, but if I chose to drink from the beginning knowing it was one of the most addictive drugs on the planet, I might have chosen to drink differently. Maybe less mindlessly…..

There have been many other addictive drugs that I have taken in my life which I never had any problem with. Opioids, anxiety meds, sleep meds, nicotine, weed (yes I think its addictive for some). My body can ingest these drugs and have no problem walking away from them. Take or leave them, they just have never had any sticking power like alcohol did for me.

Just the same, I have a friend that when she drinks alcohol it makes her nauseated. Her body processes alcohol differently, her stomach can’t tolerate it and she will vomit after two drinks. When I take pain meds I’m the same way, instead of making me feel some euphoric high I feel nauseated and groggy. I hate pain meds. Two different bodies, two NORMAL not the same bodies.

My body and brain LOVE alcohol/ethanol. ? You know what? There is NOTHING wrong with that. I am aware of that now and I have accepted it. What comes with that awareness is just a responsibility and one that I must take very seriously and manage. If I drink alcohol, there are consequences that I want to avoid 100%. No thanks – I’ll have a seltzer.

Today I am grateful that I no longer have a secret, I have a story. A story that I am proud of and there is absolutely NO shame in that.

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