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March 21, 2020

I Hid in the Mommy Wine Culture.

No one knew because I hid it. I hid it without being aware I was hiding it, it was almost like I did it instinctively. I didn’t wake up every morning and strategize how I was going to hide that I drank too much the night before. I just did it. Like a programmed robot. I did what I had to do and just didn’t think about it all that much. The alarm would go off in the morning and it was go time, no matter what. The game was on.

I was the woman in yoga class sweating out booze on a Wednesday morning. I was the woman who had two drinks before going to the parent/teacher night at the elementary school. I was the woman in the board room, completely hung-over, giving a power point presentation in heels. I was the woman you would never guess in a million years was addicted to alcohol.

Now that I am sober I realize that I hid my addiction with the same determination I went after everything else in my life, with a fear of failure. And just like in life, I managed to be quite successful. If there was an award for most high-functioning, I unintentionally would strive for 1st place every day.

I was NEVER hung-over…I was just “tired”. I would go to bed most nights before 9 pm because I was “exhausted”, not because I passed out. I had anxiety because that’s just how I was. I had an excuse for everything and nice clothes and pretty make-up to finish the look. If I looked like I had everything glued together, then there wasn’t a problem, Right? Um, wrong.

The amount of energy that it took to hide was immeasurable. I had no idea that I was carrying around the heavy weight of all that worry day after day. Once I stopped drinking, I slowly felt that weight start to un-leech itself off of my mind, my body, and my spirit. I didn’t have to hide anymore. I was free.

That’s when I knew I was never going back.

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