April 29, 2020

I Reinvented My Life & Reclaimed My Inner Badass.

I wish I could say that my healing journey was facilitated by meditation, yoga, Reiki, and acupuncture, but it wasn’t. It truly wasn’t.

My spiritual path unfolded as I broke free from the situations that weren’t aligned with who I am at my core—with my authentic self. It happened by leaving the jobs, places, relationships, and stories that were defining me before the age of 28.

My journey has been a succession of crucial choices that I have made to live a life that feels completely aligned with my truth.

I intended to create a life of full freedom. Not in the sense of not belonging to anything or being attached to no one, but by not giving energy to situations, people, work, or activities that would betray my deep self any longer.

Freedom, to me, means to honor one’s soul. Fully.

Before taking that journey, I was passively experiencing life. I was simply playing a role—the one that I was supposed to play. The role that was given to me by my family of birth, the education I received, and the groups and communities I belonged to.

I was the woman that society expected me to be.

Everything changed when I decided that I couldn’t live that way anymore. What followed was the hardest and the simplest thing at the same time. 

The goal was to detach, move away from, and leave—both energetically and physically—the circumstances of my life that I could not stand anymore because they weren’t aligned with my core. They felt like a contradiction to my authentic self.

The corporate job and romantic relationships I had were asking me (directly or indirectly) to edit myself and alter my path of self-discovery to keep them alive. 

I had to let go of friendships that were not resonating with me anymore. These connections were attached to a former version of myself, and they were showing that they would fade if I continued my journey toward my authentic power.

So I left. I didn’t leave everything at the same time, but within a year, I had found a way to leave my career in strategy consulting (as well as my romantic partnership). They represented the two main things still anchoring me to my old self.

I won’t say that this was easy, but it was necessary—even unavoidable.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” ~ Anais Nin. 

Then, I started to experience the void—this nothingness that one is in when they have left so much, but their new self is not fully born. It is only whispering, babbling, and blossoming.

It can’t provide us with the same anchoring, sense of self, or power that our older version could. It’s still in its infancy.

During this limbo period, I would miss my old self. It wasn’t the authentic “me,” but at least it existed. At least, life felt safe, organized, and dependable at that time.

I read a lot about codependency in the context of romantic relationships. Codependency could be described as self-betrayal to keep an external bond. It is the act of not following one’s path to benefit from the support or circumstances that an external connection offers—network, money, sex, or anything.

One can become codependent toward a chapter of their lives or a set of circumstances that seem to be bringing relief, support, or grounding to them. 

I was attached in this way to the reality that I was experiencing before taking this journey. It wasn’t allowing me to honor myself, but it felt safe and comfortable.

Many times, I have thought of coming back to old relationships and places. To my partner and my job. I haven’t.

Instead, I create my days from the things that I feel connected to organically—the things that instinctively draw me.

I write daily. I release my emotions by giving them words and meaning. I have traveled a lot and met new people. I follow my soul’s impulses.

I always check in with myself. Alignment with my inner voice is the criterion that I use to make any decisions.

The things that I have grown in time—mainly my writings, poetry, and short-term jobs that I took or the countries that I visited—are coming from myself only.

The ideas are mine. They are my things.

The void has slowly been replaced with things that I love. I have found who I am outside of the boxes and conditioning that I was born into.

This has become the new life that I have built for myself.

I can say now, by taking a step back, that I needed to break free and experience life as a completely blank page to be fully reborn. 

I needed to feel liberated from any attachments to experience my journey on my terms and progressively determine the things that were good for me.

That is the adventure I’m still working on. I’m still finding things out. I’m still deciding where I should focus my energy based on what feels most meaningful, joyful, aligned, and inspired.

I’m still on a journey, and may always be. But today, the foundations feel bright and stable because they rose from my core—they were self-made and consciously adopted.

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