May 29, 2020

I Don’t Look for Love—I Let it Find Me.


How to ditch swipe-culture and trust the Universe.

I run my life in a pretty unconventional way, bucking mainstream ways of operating, and instead embracing revolutionary, avant-garde practices deeply rooted in spiritual principles. I cocreate my reality with the universe, and energy is my currency. Soul-work is my lifestyle, as growth, open-mindedness, and trusting the process are the cornerstones.

The way I approach dating is no exception.

I believe that the current way of finding love isn’t working. We’re living in a culture where people of all ages are spending their time swiping left and swiping right, sifting through the sea of eligible bachelors or bachelorettes, in the quest for love. In a way, it’s kind of like the “slot machine” mentality…maybe the next one will be my lucky strike.

In my book SOAR, I serve up progressive philosophies and lay out my approach to the dating game. It’s an interesting mix of no-nonsense style coupled with a lighthearted, expectations-free spirit.

In short, I don’t have a high tolerance for bullsh*t, and you shouldn’t either. You’re worth way more than unanswered texts and tentative plans. Life’s too short to mess around with mediocre. Hold out for mind-blowing.

I don’t look for love, I let it find me, and you should too. Get to a place where you are so in love with you and your own life. Romantic love comes when we least expect it. When we’re so immersed in our own amazing life that we’ve cocreated with the Universe, when we can’t imagine things getting any better, and when we are so consumed with loving our own life.

This is when love comes walkin’ in (Van Halen said it first).

The goal is to ditch the practice of looking and chasing, and move into the space of attracting and allowing. Step out of control and fear, and leap into surrender and trust.

I’m excited to share my approach with you with the hope it may help you reframe this process in a more positive and adventurous light, and ultimately help you find the only kind of love that stands the test of time like no other.

What Do I Believe About Love?

I believe that we don’t find love when we’re looking for it. We find it after we’ve found ourselves, after we’ve built a life we love, after we’ve learned to be happy on our own. Pour our heart and soul into doing the things that “fill us up,” whether it is our work, our hobbies, our passions or anything else that fits the bill. Whatever it is that sets our soul on fire is what we should be doing.

Love will happen when we least expect it. And the Universe has such a sense of humor, that it often comes after we declare ourselves, “Actively Not Looking.”

First Let’s Define Love, Shall We?

First off, let’s define love. By love, I’m not talking about attachment. I’m not talking about companionship. I’m not talking about sexual attraction. I’m not talking about security. I’m not talking about fantasy. I’m not talking about filling a void. Those are all easy to find, and if it’s easy to find, it’s easy to lose.

What I am talking about is unconditional, all-encompassing, soul-bonding, life-altering conscious love. The kind of love that is found after we’ve done our soul work and are whole and complete and ridiculously happy.

The Pathway to Love is Through the Soul

The only thoroughfare to the type of conscious love I just described is through the soul. There is no other way.

Whether you’re just coming off of a long-term relationship, or have been single for a while, start by asking yourself why you are looking for love. Many of the reasons we seek romantic relationships are fear-based or need-based, and we don’t even realize it. Some of it is societal conditioning.

These “unconscious” (and I say that with no judgement whatsoever) modes of finding love feed into a model that has an expiration date. It may work for a year. It may work for five. It may work for 10. But unless we have done the work on ourselves and are overflowing with love, peace, joy, passion, and personal fulfillment, true love will always continue to elude us and we will be stuck in the same vicious cycle.

Asking ourselves deep, introspective questions is the foundation of our soul work.

Fall in Love With You and Your Life

“Before you fall in love with someone else, you first need to fall in love with you and your life. Just as it is. Fall in love with the world around you. Fall in love with your hobbies. Find your passion and set it ablaze. Learn how to be happy on your own. Only then should you begin to entertain the idea of inviting someone into your life.

Work on yourself to the point where you’re a complete ice cream sundae: the vanilla ice cream, the hot fudge, the whipped cream, and the cherry on top. The whole shebang. Then, when someone comes along and knocks your socks off, they’ll be the extra cherry on top. That extra touch of sweetness that your sundae didn’t need, but is oh so much sweeter with it. What you do not want to do is look for someone to complete your sundae.”

Fill up your life until it is overflowing. Overflowing with love, peace, joy, fulfillment, and passion to name a few.

Fill it up with you. Fill it up with all the things you love that don’t have to do with a romantic relationship. Learn to get comfortable with being single. Go out with friends. Go out by yourself. This is a golden opportunity to reinvent yourself. View it as the making of you. Learn to sit quietly with yourself and enjoy the solitude. No distractions. Just you and the world as your oyster. Spend time dreaming—big. Spend time reading. Spend time writing. Travel domestically. Travel internationally. Volunteer. Take a walk. Take a longer walk. Ponder your purpose.” ~ from my book, SOAR 

Focus on the Journey

One of the pitfalls many people fall into on the quest for love is that they are focused on the outcome, or destination. The key is to view this quest for love as a journey, and enjoy every step. Get into the headspace of adventurousness. Release expectations. Embrace the lessons, and remember to have fun along the way.

All Experiences are Stepping Stones

In the spiritual world, there is no such thing as a mistake or waste of time. Every human interaction gives us the opportunity to learn more about ourselves and craft a new and improved version. Every relationship is a gift—even the challenging ones, as they illuminate what we want and what we don’t want.

Stay Aligned with Who You Are

Spiritually speaking, when we look for something, we are recognizing the absence of it, and working to fill the void creates resistance. We are better served if we work on becoming the best version of ourselves, and attract what is meant for us. It prompts us to think about what we need to do and how we might need to fill the space, which pulls us out of alignment from who we really are.

If you just show up all day, every day, in full alignment with your inner being, the Universe can’t help but match you up with what is best for you at the right time.

This is a golden opportunity to fine tune your standards. Know your worth. Stand in your value. Stay aligned with who you are. Trust your inner voice. Speak your truth.

“If you have to chase it, it’s not worth having. If you have to convince it to stay, it’s not worth having. If you have to continuously search far and wide, it’s not worth having. If you have to compromise who you are, it’s not worth having.”

In order to have the trust and the confidence to relax and let love find you, you have to know your worth. Hold out for the best. You deserve it.

The Universe is Your Matchmaker

I always joke that the dating site I use is Universe.com. The universe plays the matching game all day every day. It is meticulously handpicking experiences that reflect what we need at the time, either based on vibration or based on a lesson that we need to master. Sit back, relax, and let the Universe deliver what we need in every moment.

The journey to love is an experience rich in self-discovery. All we need to do is show up every day as our authentic selves, complete with an open mind, open heart, and adventurous spirit.

The magic happens when we surrender to the process and let the universe surprise us.

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