Let’s get really clear.
It’s a f*cking minefield out here.
Personally, I have been dating online (not continuously though) since one of the first known internet dating sites had 40,000 members. It’s now got over two million users in Australia alone and people have more than 40,000 conversations on it every single day (actual statistics).
Unfortunately, I’ve found myself single yet again, and I’m horrified by the lack of effort I’m seeing in your profiles, guys.
Look, everyone’s dating online nowadays, especially with the current climate and lockdown situations. It really is a great way to get to know each other before we meet.
Honestly though, what is going on with you men in your 50s? Where are all the conscious, attractive men who are doing the work and at least trying to get their sh*t together?
There’s no more excuses because you are way over the hump. Time is of essence and you need to get that sorted. This may be a little confronting, but also a little tongue in cheek. Listen with love and a sense of humour.
Here are some tips for you to consider next time you update your profiles. I’m sure you will all be doing that now because us, women, need you to take heed:
1. Be honest.
We are going to find out, anyway.
2. Show your face.
Looks actually do count. We aren’t going to date your chest.
3. Tell us what you like and what you are looking for.
How else will we know?
4. Trim your beard, and look respectable and washed.
Remember what your mum taught you.
5. Take off those rugby shorts.
Get dressed for the occasion, think respectable.
6. Get someone to hold your beer so you can get a decent photo taken.
We assume you drink just like we assume you eat and sh*t—we don’t need to see it. Get the picture?
7. We don’t want to see your mates.
We can’t tell which one is you and often we’re disappointed when we find out. Avoid the disappointment.
8. There’s no need for sunglasses in every single photo.
It’s only mysterious once, and it’s not always that sunny. We would actually like to see your eyes—view into your soul and all that.
9. Learn to take a really great photo or get a girlfriend to take it for you.
Or better still, get someone who really likes you to take your photo. We can tell.
10. Smile, there’s enough mystery about internet dating.
You’re in your 50s, so we want to see that you actually have teeth.
11. And while you have your bestie assisting to make you look good, get her to write your profile.
Mainly so you can say something sensible or actually funny—not embarrassingly funny. We want to laugh, but not at you.
12. We don’t want to see pictures of your kids, yet.
We realise you probably have them, that’s okay if you’re interesting. But just leave them out of it for now. Just because they love you, it doesn’t mean we will.
13. We love that you love animals, so your dog being in a photo is fine.
But we aren’t particularly interested in a dog’s profile or separate pictures of them. Mainly because we might like the dog more.
14. Oh, and please, the selfie showing your abs and tattoos in the bathroom mirror with the toilet bowl making an appearance in the background…bad form, babe.
You’re not 25, and even if your abs are as good as they were when you were 25, leave the posed, staged selfies to the kids.
15. You need to think about your private messages.
“Hi.” How long did it take you to come up with that line? Again, ask your girlfriends to advise you before you send that message. And if you do send one of those well-thought and vulnerable “hi” messages, don’t be surprised if we don’t reply. And if we do reply, you can almost guarantee it will be something along the lines of what I’ve just said here.
16. No cars or bikes.
They definitely don’t make your d*ck look bigger. She lied.
17. Seriously, this one is sketchy at best.
What’s with the profile photos holding dead fish? Who on earth is attracted to dead fish? My profile clearly states that I’m vegan, so if you’re holding a dead fish, you’ve just hooked it on a line and dragged it into your dinghy to starve it of its only way to breathe, just so you can take a photo for your dating profile. Chances are we won’t get along.
18. When you tell us you aren’t into liars, cheaters, princesses, and drama queens, you’ve just told us your dating history and the fact that you aren’t over it yet.
We see through the bullsh*t.
19. Sunset walks on the beach are a bit outdated these days.
It’s had its use by date boys. Leave it out. Not saying it’s not lovely, but we want to know you can think of something on your own. Get to know yourself. Interview your girlfriends or your mates’ wives. They will definitely want you to win the dating game.
20. We want to know who you are, and if you’ve taken the time to get to know yourself.
That stuff is worth bonus points. We want to know what you are passionate about and what makes you tick. What are you offering that would make us pick you? We also want to know why you are interested in us?
Now all up, I don’t think it would take too much effort to create profiles that are clever and witty and can attract the person of your dreams. You clearly just can’t do it on your own. So call that friend.
They want you to win.
Hell, I want you to win.
I want me to win.
I want us all to win.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m a feminist, vegan, left wing, self-love advocate, and you can do whatever the hell makes you happy.
Just ask yourself, does it though? Are you attracting who you really want?
Hope to see you in cyberspace.