July 15, 2020

To Mask or Not to Mask: That is the Question.

Author’s note: This piece is intended as a satire and is not an actual suggestion. It is meant to show the absurdity of our existing gun laws, the stupidity of things we choose to fight about, and our inability to have constructive, civil discussions about the big problems we all face. Guns are not the answer. Open minds, open hearts, and open discussions will help all of us find what the real answers might be.

To mask or not to mask, that is the question that seems to be on everyone’s minds these days.

The question and its answer have gone well beyond a simple health issue, and have now taken on political and almost religious implications.

Democrats wear face masks. Republicans don’t.

Evangelical Christians wear no face masks, trusting Jesus to save them, while atheists don them religiously to save themselves.

Older people wouldn’t think of going out without their face mask, wearing them even while they are alone in their car. Young people at the beach or at their local watering hole disdain even the thought of needing to wear a mask.

The question has led to both the threat of and actual violence. One poor store clerk was shot by an angry husband after the clerk had demanded that his wife wear a mask or leave the store. The Boogaloos proudly parade down the street with bare faces and automatic weapons to defend their right to go maskless.

The maskless feel their freedoms and way of life are under attack by rules and regulations that require them to cover their face. The masked ones feel their health and well-being are under attack from the germs spewing from the people around them, placing them at risk of a horrible death every time they go out in public with these maskless villains around.

There seems to be no simple solution, but I have an idea.

If you live in the great state of Florida, the same one that brought you hanging chad, there is an answer that should satisfy everyone. That answer is simply that mask wearers be allowed to shoot and kill anyone close to them in public who is not wearing a mask.

You may be wondering how this could possibly be legal, or if you missed some new overreaching left-wing government regulation. But a well-known law passed in 2005 provides the exact basis we need to make this perfectly legal. You see, Florida passed a law in 2005 that has come to be known as the “Stand Your Ground” law, which basically says that if you feel your life is threatened you may use any force, including deadly force, to stop the person or persons threatening you.

This law has been the successful defense in a number of high-profile cases where fine, upstanding citizens were able to legally shoot and kill people, usually people of color, who they felt were a threat to their personal safety. They didn’t have to prove that the people they shot were an actual threat, only that they were afraid they might be.

This law has the deep and abiding support of all red-blooded, gun-toting Floridians who love few things more than the opportunity to publicly parade their source of power and virility. These ardent defenders of the Second Amendment would surely support and even promote this use of one of their favorite laws. And the gun manufacturers would be delighted at all the potential new gun sales this might encourage, as they finally crack the limp-wristed pacifist liberal market.

So here’s a scenario.

You’re out in public, at the supermarket or perhaps at Walmart, with your family wearing your masks to protect their health and safety. Suddenly, around the corner and coming the wrong way down the same aisle is someone without a mask. Your heart starts to beat a little faster as you see them approaching. You stare at them carefully and wonder, “Are his eyes a bit red? Is her nose running?”

Your mind and body shift into defensive mode wondering what should you do to protect yourself and your family. Should you turn around and quickly herd your family out of that aisle onto another one? That doesn’t seem fair; you were there first and have things you need to buy. Should you say something to them, asking them to wear a mask or keep their distance? But he looks kinda scary, and who knows how he might respond to that.

In the past, those would’ve been your only two options, both of them having you retreat and cower from the potential threat, your rights trampled. But now, to protect yourself and your family, you whip out your 9mm and pump a couple of quick rounds into that threat.

Problem solved! Not only for you, but for every other health loving American in the vicinity. You not only protected your family, but you also protected your community and the nation from a vicious foreign-born threat. You are a hero.


If this approach was widely adopted in Florida, and other Stand Your Ground states, the rates of infection and death from COVID-19 would drop dramatically. Doctors and nurses would be freed up for much needed and long-delayed botox and cosmetic procedures essential to a happy life. And we could finally get back to reopening the country, recharging the economy, and making America great again.


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