August 1, 2020

Dear Toxic Ex, I don’t Hate You.

Am I meant to hate you? Because I don’t.

Am I meant to have regrets about the way things were? I don’t.

What do I have for you then?

As I stumble through the words needed to write this letter, my hands shake. It is almost surreal. I have nothing but love and gratitude for you and everything that was toxic between us.

Isn’t that weird, how our love was mad and wild and crazy and we fought constantly from day one? It was dangerous and messy and toxic to its core. But so much good came from it.

Too many blessings for me to ignore.

So this letter, my darling, is not one written in pain nor sadness; it comes from a place of gratitude and love because everything about our selfless, toxic entanglement was just love.

How brave a soul must be to put himself on earth and agree to bring me such pain. Thank you.

Thank you for being the man I needed to teach me so many things about myself.

Thank you for all the hurtful words you threw at me while you were dealing with your own pain.

I needed to hear that, I needed to be triggered.

I needed to find the deepest cuts inside of me and the things I hated most, so that I would learn where to pour my own self-love.

I needed to hear that someone thought I was a bad mother, so I could feel that pain and forgive myself for those days.

I needed to come to terms with all the things I was offended by, so I could learn to be true in them, so no one could ever sway me from my beliefs again.

So now when someone calls me a crazy, vegan, feminist bitch, I say thank you.

Thank you for seeing that I am.

My dear,

You bravely stood at the foot of my anger and took every blow. I hurled my pain in your direction and you caught it every time.

Thank you for holding the space I needed to heal.

Thank you for supporting me, giving me and my children a home while I dealt with this transformation.

Thank you for teaching me that the only person who could save me was myself.

You were so brave to take on a task like this.

I am forever grateful for your sacrifice in this lifetime. I am forever grateful that you had shoulders large enough to hold my pain, anger, and sadness.

Thank you for teaching me to find the strength to walk away from so many things I thought I wanted, I needed.

May the light and love I send you help ease your inner pain as you stumble through this life in anger.

Know that being a dickhead of epic proportions saved this soul, and even if I didn’t understand why you were so hurtful and mean at that time, I know now.

Thank you for holding my pain with me.

I will always be thankful for our time together. Especially the toxic within us both. That is what taught me the most.

Forever grateful,

Your toxic ex


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