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I am not a “hookup” kind of girl.
Whenever I explained this to people in the past, they assumed I wasn’t sexual—that I didn’t like sex or that I wasn’t in touch with myself sexually.
That couldn’t be further away from the truth.
I have been quite in touch with my sexual nature since a younger age. The problems that followed me around like a shadow in my young adolescent years and silently creeped into my early 30s were the energy that surrounded the magnetism of feeling that power within myself. But I didn’t know how to handle that energy exchange with others.
I was naturally a raw sexual energy and pretty much in my yoni power with absolutely no idea what to do with it, or how it affected others. The other problem with not being a hookup girl was that I was constantly looking for a love connection, a monogamous relationship, and shooting off a “come-hither” energy in abundance.
This is not a slight on women who love to hook up—I don’t judge anyone if it makes them happy. It simply was something I never desired for myself personally.
I never wanted great sex only—I also wanted to be loved, cherished, respected, and thought of.
The problem with passion is that it is hard to separate what is working from what isn’t. It is usually just a firestorm of self-destructive choices, and it is followed by “OMG, who burned my entire forest to the ground?”
It is especially hard in today’s world of ghosting—which for me is cowardice bullsh*t—online fraud, lying, and throwaways after the first time going to bed together.
If we’re in it for just a hookup and don’t disclose that, it doesn’t make us mysterious bad boys or badass b*tches.
It makes us someone who can’t own their own sh*t.
It makes us someone who has to hurt and use others for our own sad self-gratification to avoid feeling anything.
It makes us someone who needs a therapist to deal with our own issues, before even thinking of entering into a sexual relationship with another.
You can imagine how hard it is growing up in a world where you want to find your best friend, the love of your life, and the one who lights a fire in your chest and in your loins, only to end up being the baby who is thrown away after entrusting someone with the sacredness of your divine sexual energy in your private exchange.
So instead of one night stands and Tinder hookups, I took to dating my friends. Yup, all of them.
I went through my guy friends list and dated each one. I was looking to satisfy my insatiable sexual appetite while also having a soul and love connection—I was basically attempting to get my emotional cup filled along with my physical one.
Let me tell you that it didn’t work so well for me. My reputation certainly took a hit, along with my sensibilities about who I was and what I had to offer someone.
However, when I went through my friends list looking for a connection that would last, I learned what I was and wasn’t willing to live with forever.
A few hookups now and then (for eight years) with my best friend who I cared for and loved was not enough to fill my cup. In fact, it damn nearly killed me. My heart couldn’t take the stress of the back-and-forth, the living in mystery, the “Why doesn’t he want me?” and “Why won’t he stay?”
I deserved better and more.
He couldn’t give me more, and he knew it. So I went to therapy. I took personal growth courses. I loved myself enough to stop dating online, and those who were equally yoked, and started attracting what I really wanted.
I started to give myself that sexual gratification; that self-worth and love.
I stopped dating my friends and decided that the next man to come along would be everything I want: loving, committed, and yes, sexual.
I was done with breaking my own heart and expecting others to fill my own cup. I had to work on how to channel my own energy in appropriate ways and draw boundaries with those who would have the privilege of coming into my bed, as well as my heart.
I joined yoga, journaled, and explored myself in a way I hadn’t before. I channeled a lot of this energy into dancing—dancing purely for myself. I wrote for my dream man letters and put out the energy of loving myself first and foremost.
I ended up attracting a man who possessed all these qualities. I am still fiercely romantic, passionate, sexual, always too much, and I am loved in all ways for it.
It is possible, after all, to be all and get everything we want.
Don’t discredit or shortchange yourself. Your sexual, mental, and emotional health will thank you for it. You just have to be willing to give up what you think you want so badly and surrender to the unknown.
Trust me, what’s on the other side of it all is so damn worth it.