She is sitting with her coffee

The morning had its usual chores

But something is nagging

She is scared—rather anxious

Thinking who to save

What to do

She is doubtful

She is standing on the edge of helping one person

Only one person is to be saved

But who?

Who does she choose?

She looks up; she looks within

But it leaves her with no usual calm

She wants to do right for a wrong

She did not realise back then

She was heady in love

And now she feels indebted

The burden of it all

She wants to do it right this time

She cannot go back to the past and correct the wrong

She wants to help

The future is right in front of her

The regret that she may carry for the rest of her life

She might lose herself in the process

She does not know who to choose

Her head says it straight

A clear choice

Her heart is feeling the burden

The guilt of what she could have avoided

And now is the time

Or maybe, she will live to see the day

To correct the wrong

To apologise and get an opportunity to pay back

God, you know what is in my heart

Can you not make the decision for me?

Then she realises the attachment

The attachment is the suffering

She looks back to her past

When she was in school

Sitting on the bus and dreaming of a happy family

A life of comfort and love

She fast-tracks the journey in her mind

And, oh

She is standing with exactly what she hoped for

The dream did not warn her of the attachments

But now she can feel the attachment

She is digging her memories for what she has read

All this while

The preparation to understand the attachment

Now, is the time to put it into action

And what does it say?

Do nothing!

Do nothing? Really?

What good is it going to make?

She sips her coffee one more time

As if the answer lies in the liquid

She laughs at the banality of it all

She watches the tension on her neck

She watches the tightness in her legs

She watches it as it gets intense

She feels the heaviness in her chest

This is for real

This is how she is feeling it in her body

This is the truth which is experienced in the body

She thought she overcame the feelings and

Hoped for some things different

But it is present

The stories have changed

The past is calling for a correction

The feelings have not extinguished

They were simmering

And it is calling out for some attention

She asks, “What attention do you want?”

She hears back, “I need compassion

I need no action

I need some gentle attending

Sit with me, and watch me

Understand why I am coming back now

Understand what I am doing to your body

Understand me

You can do nothing

But gently watch it

I will take time to move out of your body

I am here to teach you patience

I am here to come off the ‘doing’ mode

I am here to explain your suffering

It lies in your attachment

Up to you what you are going to do or

Rather not do

But I will go nowhere

Till you have freed yourself from this attachment.”

She sips another sip of coffee

The dregs are bitter and

So is the lesson

Her mind is a little less crowded

She realises

She has work to do

Not in the sense which she understood work

The good old science definition taught her

To look for a visible, measurable, and tangible

Output and displaced distance.

This “work” isn’t visible and straightforward

The needle will move day by day

Moment by moment

But she is not going to see the effect immediately

She will only see it manifest

In the good for others, maybe

And in the meanwhile

In the journey

She will go through this suffering

The tension, the tightness

The sleep with a mind full

It is not up to her

Her work is to observe the breath

In the moments of unease

That is it.

She is grateful to the coffee

The ability to express and type

The means and time

To pause, reflect, and get a direction

She is grateful.

To all my fellow living human beings, I wish you clarity, objectivity, and the understanding of extending compassion to yourself. May you be happy, healthy, and content. May you be well.

~