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My father is not my superhero.
He is not my role model. He never was. Never will be.
He is not the male figure I can learn from how men should be treating women.
He was a man in pain. Yes.
But that does not excuse him from his behaviour towards his family.
No. My father is not my male model.
I don’t want to learn from him.
I don’t want to keep looking for him in other men. I have had enough reflections of my father through other men.
My father was a man in pain. He never really liked his life, though he had all the freedom he wanted. His friends and his parties were his favourite pastime.
He would rarely spend time with his family or his kids. I felt like we, as his kids, were somehow a burden for him.
No, my father is not my favourite man in the world.
But I do care about him a lot now, because I’ve forgiven him through a deep internal process inside my heart and mind, and I do care about his health now at 75-years-old.
No, I am not worried anymore about what he thinks of me or my lifestyle. Or if he agrees with it. It’s none of my concern anymore if he agrees with who I’m becoming.
I will never allow anyone, family members or not, to guide me or decide what is best for me.
As I mature and grow, I’m learning to re-parent myself, and it has not been easy—but it’s so worth it.
I know how to tend to my inner child’s emotional needs, and I am there to listen to her cries and occasional tantrums. Something I was denied as a child.
I was made wrong for being the type of child I was by my parents. I think I was too wild of a child, and so I learned how to silence myself, my needs, and my voice. I learned how to obey to the adults around me, forcefully. I learned how to be who they thought I was.
My entire years of being a young adult were basically screwed. I carried with me my parents’ beliefs, and I could not function as a whole human and as a woman. I just could not.
I am still working everyday on my inner healing and nurturing feeling complete. I’m still working on breaking the chains of the past, and breaking the generations of family dysfunction and lack of consciousness.
My father will never admit his wrongs to my mother and his kids, but he knows the truth deep down.
My father was never present in our family. So, my mom took on both roles—a father and a mother to take care of us, and she exhausted herself in the process.
My father was an unhappy man. I think he must have had a screwed up childhood or adulthood that he never talked about to anyone.
But, me and my siblings were not responsible for it. We were just kids who needed his love and attention.
Now I understand my father was completely cut off from his feelings. He did not know how to express any type of affection or love, so his anger was the only familiar emotion he would deal with on a constant basis.
I have compassion for him. I forgive him. But no, he is not my male role model.
I want to find other men out there who show women respect, love, and deep appreciation.
Men who can be role models, and are balanced within themselves and between their feminine and masculine energies.
I, and other women, need men to show up in integrity. To show the world and the old patriarchal paradigm that the way men used to be, or how they were taught and raised to be was wrong.
I hope I can be a part of this new awakening, as I heal my father wounds and gravitate toward better men that can see me the sacred feminine within me and the woman I truly am. I want this for all women.
I am done with looking for my father in broken men who fail to see me, appreciate me, and love me as I deserve.
I am done with picking up lovers who are mentally or verbally abusive, because I am done repeating patterns of the past and cracking my heart wide-open.
I don’t want to keep loosing myself in men who are not present, who don’t know how to express their feelings, who feel broken and not whole unto themselves. Men who can’t accept their failures and shortcomings, and are unable strive to be better for themselves first of all, and then for others.
I am learning new ways of being—away from my parents.
I am learning new ways of healing.
As I heal the feminine and masculine energy within me, I hope to give my own contribution to this.
‘Til then, I am taking a break to heal my heart.