I am a Burden
I went into an emotional tail spin on the 4th of October 2020 because I left a comment on my ex-lovers facebook post and then felt a twisting uncertainty in my gut about whether or not he wanted that type of contact. I noticed this as a pattern that had emerged between us towards the end of our relationship. I kept feeling like I had to walk on egg shells around him because I was unsure if he wanted the type of interaction that I wanted. I notice too that this pattern has frequently occurred between myself and all people. The root of the pattern is feeling as though -my being-ness will hurt or burden others.-
Understanding that my being-ness is not burdensome or hurtful is fundamentally/energetically related to why I don’t wear a mask. I don’t wear a mask because I am growing into the courage to show people who I am. I don’t wear a mask because I don’t want to be afraid to show people my power, my love, my pure unfiltered raw unmasked self and all of its messiness and all of its intensity.
On the surface level people are afraid of me not wearing a mask because they are afraid of dying due to the possibility that I have an infectious virus. On an energetic level my full power and intensity is scary to some people. It challenges them to also stand in their full power or else to risk being enveloped by mine. Furthermore, I have not found standing in ones own power to be easy. Even now, as I am writing this, I am afraid of being misunderstood, of being told that my choice is wrong, of people only being able to see the supposed scientific surface level. I can not blame anyone for not accepting me and the challenge I present to them and their paradigm.
However, there are some people who are not only accepting of me but ready and longing to be seen and challenged, longing for my presence. If I remember and deeply feel my sense of belonging in the world then the people who recognize the value of my being-ness will show up in my field but if I persist in my belief that my being-ness is hurtful the world will reflect this back to me. As within, so without.
I knew the best action after regretting the comment I wrote on my ex-lovers post would have been to process through the triggered emotion in the moment it occurred or else the world would be reflecting my misbegotten story back at me for the rest of the day but I didn’t. Sure enough, I had two people, scared of my bare-faced self berate me for not wearing a mask despite having been told that I am in danger of falling unconscious if I did so. Later that day, while driving, I scared a motorcyclist by nearly changing into his lane. The motorcyclist furiously honked at me and then as we continued to drive he started screaming at me through my open window about what an idiot I was. At this point my rising emotions of shame had reached their apex. I found a quiet place to pull over, called a friend, and cried.
By crying, talking with my friend, and letting the emotions out I was able to process through the shame. I was able to remember that I belong in the world because I am breathing; my very existence is proof of my significance. I was able to remember that my ex-lover, Yeshua Lucis, would be the last person to criticize me for being myself. That he, being an advocate of the freedom to be oneself, understands that it is up to him (not me) to determine the type of contact he desires with me and to communicate his desires and boundaries to me. I too was able to remember that sometimes loving someone looks and feels like hurting them. I was reminded that pain is how we grow to become better humans and that if I prevented myself from causing hurt then I might be depriving people of a better life and I would certainly be depriving myself of a better life.
As soon as I got off the phone with my friend I found a text from my ex-lover. Not only did he not mind the comment but he wanted to connect. Once I had remembered that I am significant my ex-lover’s desire to connect demonstrated that he (and the world) found me to be significant. I had changed my inner world and the outer world reflected the shift.