October 4, 2020

Your Dysfunctional Push-Pull Relationship is not Love.


View this post on Instagram


No romantic or non-romantic relationship is perfect.

No human can be perfect.

Perfect means finished.

And we are a work in progress.

We each are a masterpiece being created slowly with each breath and each day as we move on this life journey.

While we probably understand the logic behind what I just stated above, we lack a deeper understanding on why we enter into a relationship, why we attract or are attracted to specific types of men or women, and what these relationships are all about.

Due to our childhood conditioning and experiences, we begin to create similar relationships patterns and dynamics, and styles of attachment in our adult years.

We learned that pain equals love.

We also hear the same messages in most of the songs out there.

Nowadays, we hear only sex lyrics in most of the songs in the music industry. Nothing is actually wrong with sex and sexual experiences per se—it’s how we as adults approach our relationships, sexual, romantic, or both, that sets the tone for the quality of our life.

We usually tend to romanticize and eroticize the most frequent relationship dynamic between two lovers or partners that is the push-pull dynamic, which usually happens between a chaser and an avoidant.

The chaser is usually anxious, so he or she tries hard to make the avoidant love them. The avoidant is usually an emotionally unavailable person who withdrawals themselves further as they feel the push or pull coming from the other party.

This push-pull dynamic creates a level of emotional pain and brings to the surface many childhood fears. Two main ones are: the fear of being rejected and the fear of abandonment.

A third one would be fear of love or commitment.

The pain this dynamic creates also brings a certain type of pleasure or excitement. Why? Because there is some drama as turmoil is going on, and we call that love.

We can go on for years in this pull-push dynamic and call it love without realizing the emotional pain, distress, and the feelings of smallness it gives to us as we experience it. We start ignoring all the red flags.


Because this is precisely the way we were loved by our parents when we were children.

It’s familiar territory and it feels safe in a paradoxical way.

We don’t know any better.

Nor do we think we deserve better.

Our brains were wired in such ways that we respond to familiar scenarios better, so we look out for them in our romantic relationships.

I want to tell you: the push-pull dynamic in your romantic relationship is not love. It’s your inner child trying to experience love the same ways you experienced it as a kid.

You become angry, restless, and withdrawn from your lover or parent and you don’t even know why.

The why is found in your parent. If you are a man, check in your relationship with your mom when you were a kid. If you are a woman check in your relationship with your father. How did he treat you? What did he say to you most of the time? Was he caring or abusive? Was he loving or cold? Was he present or absent?

Now, look at your current lover or partner.

How much of him or her is your mother and your father?

You will be shocked, but this is the truth.

We are but young children trying to make this adult sh*t a thing.

And we cannot be whole adults if we have not dealt with what has caused us inner pain and turmoil in our childhood and early years of our existence.

If we look at the experiences that shaped us and decide that is not who we are, but rather who our parents told us we were, our lives and relationships will dramatically shift and change.

We need to create new neuron pathways in our brains by changing our old beliefs that don’t serve the kind of adult, human, woman or man, we want to be in this life.

It takes balls to do so.

It’s not some type of easy breeze five to ten minutes of meditation sh*t.

It takes constant self-awareness of your thought processes, your emotional responses to those thoughts, and how they make you behave or act.

We need to create a level of bravery as we search into our hearts and minds and step into unknown territory—not simply the familiar scenarios we’re used to—and change what was familiar and damaging to something new: living according to our own new beliefs.

It’s time we transform from within.

As we do so, our romantic relationships will shift.

We will look for better love and sexual experiences that create safety and a feeling of mutual respect and appreciation for each other.


Read 11 Comments and Reply

Read 11 comments and reply

Top Contributors Latest

Ilda Dashi  |  Contribution: 50,065

author: Ilda Dashi

Image: Giulia Rosa/Instagram

Editor: Lisa Erickson

Relephant Reads:

See relevant Elephant Video