We are in the home stretch of 2020.

But, the energy doesn’t seem to be budging at all. The plot has only thickened, it seems, with politics and whispers of possible further COVID-19 restrictions looming in the air.

We are all a bit weary. Okay, a lot weary. Worn down. Battered and bruised feeling, even. Like we’ve been stuck in the spin cycle of the washing machine for one too many cycles. Our energy is running low. Our emotions are running higher. And yet, we keep going.

What is it about the human spirit that keeps going? Even in the most desolate of times, maybe even of our lifetime—but not in the lifetime of this planet and human existence, of course.

Many days, I don’t want to get out of bed. I crawl out of bed, get some exercise or movement, and nourish my body with food, only to crawl back into bed an hour or so later. It’s hard to admit even to myself this utter depletion of energy.

Where do we go from here? How can we muster the strength and the courage to carry on into an existence we may not exactly be psyched about?

I wish I could tell you. And, if you know, please tell me. We could all use a little fairy-dust sprinkle of hope these days. I would be lying if I didn’t admit I dream of escaping this reality on the daily.

It’s just too much a lot of the time. Too heavy. Too exhausting. Too dense.

Many of us feel this way. We have felt this way maybe a lot of the year—cleansing, purging, and purifying ourselves and our emotional waters.

We still don’t know where we are going, or maybe even where we have been this last year. Here, and there, and everywhere, seeking answers in institutions that can barely resolve the answers between themselves.

The human existence right now feels brittle, shapeless, formless, a mass of unmet desires. We all desire something right now. Mostly relief. Relief from the weight of this present reality.

None of this is easy. Give yourself some recognition of how hard this year has been. We’ve been showing up and checking out when we’ve had enough. Neither is right or wrong. We are coping. As best as we humanly can.

That’s not to say it’s been all dreariness and drabness in this black hole of existence. Oops, there goes my melancholy nature again. But, really, there have been moments of deep healing and beauty this year, too.

It’s just harder to focus on those times with the present energy. As we are nearing the end of this exhausting and trying year, we are all holding onto something.

Maybe it’s the mere fact that our families need us. Our friends look to us for light and counsel. Our work asks us to serve the broken, the despondent, the emotionally depleted.

I wish I could tell you it’s going to get better. How I wish I truly felt that. Truth is, I know things may get harder. Things may get stickier as we exit this year and enter, perhaps, a Groundhog Day version of next year. Maybe it won’t be at all, or maybe it will still feel eerily similar in many ways.

For many of us light workers, healers, helpers, and life transmuters, we may all be feeling the energetic discharge of this whole last year. As a healer, healing myself has always been the hardest part. It is so much easier to focus the energy on others and support their process, sometimes, than diving deep into the thick our own sh*t—which doesn’t smell so good, let me tell you.

But, it is the invitation of this whole last year to turn around and face the self, darkness and all. To see the parts of the self deemed unworthy, just as so many see themselves when in need of our care and tenderness. It’s so much easier to give that to others. Why is that? There’s a whole psychology lesson around that, as we know.

As this year starts to come to a close, maybe we can all find comfort in knowing we are not alone in the sh*t. Yes, it is our sh*t, but we don’t have to sift through it alone. Or, stay stuck in it for eons. We are allowed to take breaks.

And, sometimes, our “old” or lingering coping mechanisms surface. Eating for comfort. Drinking. Escaping into the world of technology. Perhaps, we don’t need more judgement around these things, but more understanding of the desire beneath the behavior.

Are we seeking love? Comfort? Relief? Relaxation? Fun? Sweetness? Pleasure?

The desire is much more important than the behavior itself. When we know the desire, perhaps we can begin to take steps to meet this deeper longing.

Maybe 2020 wasn’t the year our dreams came true, and maybe for some, it was. That is the strangest part of our human existence. The endless polarity of experience. Maybe it was a little bit of both.

But, here we are, breathing, trying our best to keep plodding along.

Choices and decisions may still feel heavy to make, and we still may be feeling unclear in our direction. But, maybe it doesn’t have to mean we are doing anything wrong. Blaming the self is never helpful. So, perhaps, we can change those pre-wired, blaming and shaming thoughts we direct toward ourselves, because really, we’ve been doing a damn good job of surviving this year.

Maybe, there is no clear resolution just yet, for 2020, and certainly, the story of this year will continue into the next. May we continue to give grace and permission to the self who is in need of relief. May we know that in seeking relief, we are only human, and we are only doing our best.

Maybe, our dreams are still buried underneath the process we are currently in. We all may be dreaming of the old world, or maybe of this new uncharted world. But, dreams can guide us to where we are going, even if it’s somewhere we’ve never been before.

And, maybe, in all due timing, those dreams will surface again and guide us forth into the next iteration of ourselves, and of this world.