Grief is a process that is an inherent part of life.

Everything changes, and as humans who deeply love and care, it is natural that we grieve for all the different kind of losses we experience daily and over the course of our lives.

In courting grief, there are three portals in the grieving process:

The grief for what has been lost.

The grief for the relationship.

The grief for ourselves, for the parts of ourselves we have lost that were attached, identified with, enlivened by, connected to, or known through the relationship that was lost, or as a result of relationships that never were.

This last part of the journey is essential for our freedom from trauma, shame, addiction, ancestral pain, individuating from our lineage, for self-love, and to reconnect ourselves with spirit and life. It is how we get unstuck and find freedom again in our creativity and joy in our lives.

This last portal of grief is often overlooked, confused, or feared. It’s different than feeling sorry for ourselves. It is different than wallowing in pain. It is different than trying to fill an empty, existential hole inside of us with stuff or people or other things. In its unmetabolized form, it becomes shame as the mind attempts to work through what our heart needs to release.

It is an act of compassion and love to acknowledge and honor our own pain. Our innocence that experienced painful, complex, confusing circumstances. The pain of never having what we needed. Never feeling the love we longed for. The loss of not having needs met. The pain of our hearts being neglected, of the disconnection and abandonment of our own inner wounds. Our own soul wounds.

Grief is love.

You do not grieve what you do not care about.

To grieve for yourself and acknowledge with love and compassion all that you have survived, this is the third portal of grace and freedom offered by grief.

It is the opposite of victimhood because you no longer stand at the whim of the inner abusive, parental figure in your psyche. You choose to stand for love, to be a loving parent to yourself and honor your pain, to see yourself through the eyes of grace and compassion.

This is spiritual warriorship. It is the dark goddess that nurtures you through transforming your pain into something beautiful and life affirming. To meet the one at the crossroads that allows you to let these parts of you die so you can be reborn rather than remaining a victim to the stuck pain while mentally attacking your heart.

Love breaks the heart open and releases everything unlike itself. Grief is this healing balm. It releases your pain so you can feel alive again.

Part of rising out of the ashes is the letting go through this grief.

It is, in fact, loving all the places that haven’t been loved, that have been made long in their longing or wanting or needing.

It is offering flowers at the altar of your own heart.

More love.

Not less.