December 24, 2020

“2020 has gone to the Dogs”—A Hilarious Holiday Card.

Dear dog friends,

Since my humans claim to be “too busy” to send out holiday greetings, I have taken it upon myself to do so. They keep stomping around, talking about what a bad year 2020 has been.

I caught a glimpse of a card another human sent them that said, “Good tidings and cheer…and to hell with this year.”

I’m not sure what that’s all about. I am 105 (15 in human years, but don’t only dog years count?), and this has been the very best year of my life! It’s looking like Christmas has finally gone to the dogs.

Granted, the year didn’t start out so hot with my humans leaving me—as usual—and having complete strangers come to stay with me (how can they think that’s okay?) when they leave for what they call “vacation.”

But then, in March, the most magical thing happened. The humans had been separated by something they called “work,” but then, suddenly, we all lived together again.

I no longer had to be hoisted into that magical moving machine that transported me to 105-degree temperatures (with hot sidewalks—ouch). We are all finally living together in the mountains.

And all of a sudden, it is the humans who want to go for walks all the time. So many walks—they won’t leave me alone! And not just that, they began talking to me a lot more, as if they finally noticed my place in the family.

The girl human especially—it is as if she no longer has anyone else to talk to. She asks me if I’m a good dog about 1,000 times a day even though she knows damn well that I’m a terrible dog.

And she keeps asking me if I want a treat. You bet! Do I want to go out into the forest again? Well, if you insist!

And another wonderful thing happened. Weird strangers stopped coming into my house altogether. What a relief! My job is to guard the house, and do you know how stressful it is to be on all the time? Now I can finally relax a little in my old age.

The very best thing that happened this year is that they bought me a travel van they call Shrek, and we go everywhere together. As it should be. They snap photos of me and call it #vanlife.

Yeah, whatever. I don’t mind posing, as long as I get to come along.

The humans keep saying that they can’t wait for 2020 to be over, which I totally don’t get. From my perspective, it has never been better than this. Here’s to 2021 being as great as 2020!

With a growl, a snap, and a sloppy wet kiss, 

the Best Bad Dog in the world


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