Like any other milestone that measures the growth of our being, my birthday is something I consider special. Gifts by token or deed are never warranted when you know that you are loved, and my family and friends have made sure that this is never in doubt. On that day, some weeks ago now, I was the recipient of something sentimental from a dear friend. It was a gift that surprisingly I had long wished. As I opened the package and fixed my gaze on what was inside, my eyes were adorned by something that was beautiful and pure like the sanctitude of flesh and blood. The ensuing minutes and hours had elapsed so rapidly as I looked on intently. I jumped in glee and embraced it with a child-like fascination similar to the elation felt by a child getting a dream gift.

 

So tranquil was my appreciation that when the gift failed to function normally after giving it a test run, the joy of receiving it was never diminished. I called my friend that night in excitement to express how happy I am to have received a gift that I truly desired. She responded that she is very happy that I am happy with the gift, “but” she feels bad that it is malfunctioning. My answer to her was that I am extremely happy with it, stop the “BUTS” because she had given me something intrinsic to which my humble gratitude is unwavering.

 

That exchange between my friend and I brought to mind an important question that inspired me to write this article: How many times in our daily lives have we minimized an achievement or goal, upon which our dreams have long been steadfast, with this ever-cynical word “but”?

 

It is necessary to ask because there seems to be an ‘all or nothing’ standard within the human consciousness that promotes binary actualities that an event is either a success or a failure, good or bad, and this mindset often deceives us from focusing on other possibilities outside of our circle of awareness. It is a form of extreme thinking that forsakes the existence of a middle ground, and it impedes us from celebrating what is right with the world in which we live. And this is the origin of most of our “buts”.

 

Brené Brown, a writer and research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, made an interesting distinction between perfectionism and healthy behavior. Brown pinpoints that:

 

“perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best self. Perfection, as a standard, should not be used as a placeholder for healthy achievement and growth, which people too often use as a shield to protect against the pain of blame, judgment, or shame.”

 

In similar fashion to Brown’s sentiments, you or someone you know may have experienced some of the following perfectionist stories that can stunt our productivity:

• Spending upwards of 30 minutes writing and rewriting a two-sentence text or email, or even thinking about how to compose a proper response.
• Believing that being deducted two points on an exam is a sign of failure
• Difficulty in appreciating or celebrating the achievements of others
• Comparing oneself to the achievements of others and failing to give credence when it is due
• Not committing to or open to trying new things unless you have perfected the skills needed so as to avoid making mistakes
• Focusing more on immediate outcomes rather than embracing the process towards achieving one’s goals
• Wanting a tangible end product, not enjoying the road or process towards such ends. It is always the DESTINATION that matters
• Being a hopeless critic and have a self-flagellate mindset even towards others and life itself. This is often justified by professing to be keen on details. You tell yourself that “I have a vision of what may go wrong, I am an EXPERT!”
• Being a chronic procrastinator who obsesses over perfection before starting a project. Perfection never happens, so the procrastinator gets lost in perpetual cynicism
• Taking forever to complete everyday tasks like making a mug of Nescafe because it has to be flawless
• If a compliment is given to a perfectionist, it might be misperceived because they have a long list of self-deprecating “buts” about themselves

Personally, I have gone through some of the stories above and I too used to have a ready-made list of “buts”. Is it a part of the genetics of being human?  Are we socialized into thinking in this way?

Studies point out that it is a mix.

The psychological root of perfectionism comes from experiencing frequent disapproval, mental health issues, having parents who have their own standards of perfection then place those pressures on their children, and it can even be sourced from attachment issues as a result of social and emotional trauma.

Throughout my journey, I discovered that perfectionism starts with an assumption that “I ALWAYS can do better, or I should be a role model for something.” This might be the case for some people with chronic anxiety, an unaccomplished life, unfulfilled dreams, eating disorders, depression, and even suicide in some cases.

 

Below are some examples that might have contributed to the development of the perfectionist inside of us, both socially and psychologically:

 

• It might have started when you were young and got a 9/10 in a math exam. You were told that you did good but next time you can do better
• When a mother tells her daughter that ‘you look beautiful but if your legs were longer this dress will fit you better’
• You were told that you were good performing in that that play at school, but your partner had a louder voice
• You are a well-behaved child but are deficient in other aspects compared to other children
• Meeting and keeping within societal standards may define you as a GOOD CITIZEN, but other than that fundamentally you are not

One of the most pronounced realities of life is that is we have a fragile side. We can’t be strong all the time. We can’t be right all the time and we can’t be PERFECT. Perfectionism says the final product is what matters, which deprive us from the joy of the journey. Ultimately, we will come to realize that the journey lasts much longer than the destination.

 

In closing, the perfect substitute for perfection is to do things with quality. This can be achieved by putting your heart and soul in everything that you do, without reservations about errors or mistakes, whether real or perceived.

 

Perfection is as much a mirage as it is a stimulant that propels us towards other frontiers. Even the most sophisticated technologies known to humanity are subject to improvement. This is the beauty of life. Had the engineers and scientists considered every conceivable defect in a product maybe civilization would not have advanced as far as we have come.

 

I have been reflecting for several years on the words ‘wholeness’ and ‘perfection’, and what I concluded is that the beauty of wholeness is:

• We are good as we are; we are enough
• By accepting our light and our shadows, we neither fear nor try to escape from them but rather seek to discover our untapped potential.
• Integration and consolidation of our collective appetites and aversions create this feeling of wholeness.
• From this feeling of wholeness, the security of encourage liberates us to create, expand, pursue feats and implement everything in joyful and less stressed manner.

• Our achievement will be more authentic because we do them out of knowing what we really want to do rather than what will make us look perfect to avoid shame and guilt.

 

My dear friends, allow yourself to try new things and learn with an engaged purposed.

Allow yourself to make mistakes. This is how you will evolve.

Apply this principle to your interpersonal relationships. Being able to feel the full spectrum of human emotions from appreciation to despondence may not translate fully by how it is conveyed from one person to another. Sometimes there can be a disconnect between humanness and expressing our humanity. Be cognizant that it is not possible to know everything about everything.

 

Once you are resigned to the fact that you don’t know it all, learning becomes a beautiful thing. Then allow yourself to enjoy doing things with quality rather than making them perfect.

 

In the end you will be equipped with the virtues of forgiveness and understanding that our nature evolves by way of curiosity, creativity, making mistakes, learning, enhancing our knowledge, and to EXPAND so the universe can EXPAND with our expansion.