December 16, 2020

I’m Sorry—This is Why I couldn’t Love you Enough.


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Sometimes I feel truly ashamed of how little I have valued and prioritized the people in my life.

I’ve shown little to no appreciation for those who have always been by my side and given me unconditional love. I did not make you my priority when it came down to distributing my energy, love, and time.

My long-time friends loved me, even at my worst. They missed me, called on a regular basis to check in, and continued to nourish me, even at times when I invested nothing into our friendship.

My two male friends who fell in love with me on my journey—who saw me for who I truly was. They supported and accompanied me without hesitation. They suffered because they saw me falling over and over for the same kind of men—other men. The other men did not see me for who I was, showed little interest in what I wanted, and made it my job to maintain harmony in the relationship.

My family saw me struggling and knew I was not happy. They watched me losing joy in my life and tried to support me—stayed close even after experiencing my bad moods and rejection. I loved my family dearly, but I did not appreciate them enough.

Dear loved ones, I apologize from the bottom of my heart.

I lost myself in the search for love and appreciation. I had a few wires in my brain connected incorrectly, caused by experiences from my own past—even experiences from other generations. These experiences told me, unconsciously, that love must be earned.

I connected love with effort.

Combining the disconnection from myself and the search for love and appreciation in the wrong places, I became blind to all the love that was already in my life, the true love that I had been surrounded by all along.

In seeking a false concept of love and appreciation, I started longing for relationships and jobs that I knew deep down would never make me happy. This minimized me as a person.

This did not allow me to be myself. It took me so much energy and effort to maintain these relationships. I sold myself over and over while ignoring my inner voice. I lost my joy and happiness completely. I had no more energy and love to give. I did not even have any energy or love left for myself. My self-respect was running on a bare-minimum.

You can never fall deeper than into your own lap.

Rock-bottom was my greatest blessing. I had no choice but to ask for guidance and turn inward. My other option would have been to stay in a life that was not making me happy, a life that was making me sick. This was not an option for me. I knew that great things and an incredible life would be lying ahead if I was willing to do the work.

It was a slow start, and my progress was hardly noticeable.

I started to invest my time, energy, and money, and I found guidance, compassion, and understanding. I spent an incredible amount of time with myself, making me-time a priority. I spent hours and hours outside, rebuilding my connection to mother nature. I regained my curiosity, focused on the small things, and activated my senses.

Watching bumble bees became my favorite hobby.

I realized how some scents were calming and blissful, while others I could not stand. I learned how to sense what is serving my well-being and what is depleting my energy. I learned to sit with all of my uncomfortable emotions. I attended mental guidance sessions. Led by intuition, I started meditating and practicing yoga, all by myself.

I rediscovered my connection to joy, and my love for life came back. My life bloomed, and my inner nature started to shine again. My energy levels increased. I had glimpses of what I really wanted in life, and my inner voice became stronger. I came closer and closer to myself, to my purpose, and to you. My love for you is more noticeable than ever, as it has been a couple of years now.

I now realize what you have had to go through by standing by my side all along. Once I quit the life that I was living to follow my path, dreams, and purpose, I began to really see the incredibly hard time I had given you. After turning my life upside down, I realized that you are all still here—maybe closer than ever. You have supported me with all of your hearts, and now I follow my dreams and purpose without any resentment or accusations.

I think you have known all along where I belong and what I am here for. You knew I would come back. The person you so dearly loved would eventually break free again.

I will be eternally grateful for you and your constant love, unbreakable friendship, and your doubtless loyalty.

I cry tears of joy, feeling how much I love you, from the deepest part of my soul.

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