December 4, 2020

Healing from Narcissistic Abuse (& a Mantra for Self-Forgiveness).

There’s struggle in being pure with our intentions when not everyone else is.

It is easy to get wrapped up in the good in people because people tend to be naturally good. We survive and thrive on love, compassion, and community. Why wouldn’t we want to believe they exist in everything?

You see, we have to fall hard, sometimes, into the dark and into the ugly. Our hearts need to be shattered, and they have to bleed open. If that never happens, we may never appreciate the good. We may even take it for granted.

If we are never challenged by something earth-shattering, like rejection, manipulation, or abandonment, we may never take the plunge into ourselves. We may never look our deepest fears in the face and say, “I see you. Now what?”

We fall, and we rise, then we fall, and we rise again. This power, strength, and determination are not for the faint of heart. They are not for someone who might be a narcissist. However, it is definitely their fuel; their fire.

They drain and suck the energy from strong, resilient people because they are weak and scared (just like us), except that they choose to project outward, instead of inward. They leave behind a trail of lies, fear, and trauma. Their abuse is predictable and boring once we can see their patterns from a mile away.

But here is a little reminder: promises without action is manipulation. Apologies without action is manipulation. Dismissing the pain inflicted is gaslighting. Narcissists or people with narcissistic tendencies will use tactics like “future faking” to manipulate our hearts. They will promise us the world with heavy plans, like commitment, children, and cross-country moves, only to go back on Every. Single. Word. Multiple times. Excuse after excuse.

But real and raw individuals follow through on plans while honoring the moment they are in.

This kind of narcissist we never see coming. They are sweet, charming, and romantic. We trust them and open up more than we ever have to anyone before. We are authentic and empathetic while they live in their fantasy and lies. They choose to live in illusions. They are destined to always be a false character, never exposing their most authentic self.

How draining. I am exhausted just at the thought of it.

The emotional whiplash will subside. Our strength and awareness will prevail while they continue hurting other hearts by not healing from whatever pain is in theirs. We will stop questioning, “Why did this happen,” and start looking at “What lesson has this brought?”

We start to see the light and flowers again. We smell the air and appreciate life again. We cater so much to our bodies when we are sick or have a broken leg, but how much time do we ever take to really heal our broken hearts?

Sometimes, the best way to see ourselves is to stand in front of the mirror and look at our faces. Do we see our age? The sunspots, the freckles, the lines, and the time-stamped wrinkles telling our story? Make sure yours is worth reading.

I leave my narcissist with this:

“I thought of you today. Each memory weighing down my heart like an anchor. Every moment remembered bringing me back to that perfect time. Those perfect tides. Those perfect laughs, jokes, holding hands, and kisses.

A teasing torture to feel so much to have it ripped away like the testy ocean. Careless whispers and broken promises haunt my dreams and rock me like the rolling sea. Take it all back, please. Take back the world you promised just to fall off the face of it.

Salty tears ran like raging rivers for weeks and weeks. My face raw with emotion, pain, and sorrow. My insecurities open and grasping like an anemone. I will not armor my exterior to protect myself from people like you or punish others for your mistakes.

I am smarter now, wiser, and more aware than I ever thought I could be. I do not forgive your ego or flaky actions. I do not forgive your lies, your abandonment, or your manipulation. I forgive the pain and trauma I experienced. I forgive myself for trusting you. I forgive myself for believing you. I forgive myself for loving you. I forgive myself for abandoning myself.

I forgive myself.”

Also, this podcast by Brené Brown has changed me. She is a goddess and an angel, and this episode “Strong Back, Soft Front, Wild Heart” has become my untamed, unapologetically, wild woman mantra.

I hope this helps bring you home to yourself.



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