January 3, 2021

An Open Letter to the Man who’s Emotionally Unavailable.

I refuse to be manipulated.

I refuse to be kept in your vague affections, your unrequited attention, your distant love.

I refuse to be with an emotionally detached, emotionally unavailable—and as someone once so dearly phrased it—an emotionally constipated man.

I refuse to allow you to interfere with my energy and my boundaries.

I refuse to allow you to think that you have control over how the story of my life plays out.

I refuse to be kept as an option.

I refuse you defining my worth.

I refuse letting you have my life be lived on your terms.

I flat out refuse to give anymore justifications to bad behaviour. I’m done.

I’ve spent so much time in my life giving green cards to men who think that they are entitled to walk in, give false promises, and leave unscathed, protected by their own distant heart.

Meanwhile, I feel the world from my heart to my fingertips. I sense my breath and my beating chest every single day. I’m breaking open in radical honesty like I never have before.

I meditate, I workout, I journal, I work, I serve, I know how to bust a move—I’m a f*cking strong woman. I’m over the narrative that played throughout my childhood and adolescence that I’m somehow not enough. That this body, this brain, these dreams are just cute, little things. When really, they are fierce, big things. They amount to something so real. You don’t have to believe it, but I do.

So don’t get in my way when I’m finally beginning to believe in myself after years of not being told I am worthy.

Don’t stand between me and the door to my freedom. A door I’ve been climbing flights and flights of stairs to get to while sifting through a heavy father wound and the trauma of childhood neglect.

Bob Marley once said, “The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman’s love with no intention of loving her.” It’s true.

This is my plea to every man who wants to shelf women as options, and have as many “backup baes” as possible, because one woman’s attention tugs at your insecurities: please, connect to your own heart.

Find a way to feel your feelings—and don’t numb out. No woman deserves to experience your detachment only. We want you to be present, and comfortable, and open. We want the full immersive experience of you. It is safe to be you.

Understand attachment styles and what they mean. Know that anxious-avoidant attachments only leads us into deeper traps of conflict. We can break free from that with knowledge, awareness, and healing.

Understand that no good woman who knows her worth will wait around for you to pick up your game.

Heal, so you don’t keep wounding others. Go to therapy if you can. Understand the signs of emotional unavailability so you can be clear with others.

It’s okay to be emotionally unavailable if this is where you are at in your life, but know how to communicate that, instead of saying you aren’t and confusing other women.

One thing I’ve learned recently is that emotional intelligence isn’t a given. Some people are gifted with it, some learn it, and some simply can’t be bothered by it. So when an emotionally unavailable man is committed to misunderstanding you and not meeting you halfway, it’s best to walk away.

I’ve walked away, and while it’s hard to let go of an attachment, I love that I’m making room to invite the right relationships. Ones that have integrity and respect at the core of how they operate. Where mutual understanding is conversational and not a one-sided chasing game.

I’m finally in a place in my life where I am satisfied with who I am, and I don’t argue or defend anyone else’s perspective if it’s different to my own. I protect my peace at all costs. It isn’t being cold, it’s being cool. There’s a big difference.

An emotionally unavailable man will detach for reasons you may never be able to know, and the point is, you can advise but eventually you cannot mother someone or force your intentions on them.

Lack of alignment in values and beliefs happens. It’s basically part of the dating game and getting to know someone. Allow yourself to move on and don’t linger in the tremors of the relationship—whether you have closure or not.

It’s time to find the secure relationship you’ve been waiting for. That forever love? It’s just around the corner. Keep believing in it.

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