Today, I cancelled my wedding.
Why? It felt like I was the only one present in what was supposed to be a partnership.
It is as easy as that; however, the decision devastated me. A wedding date was set, our favorite place to marry chosen, and when it was discussed recently, I was met with ambivalence. To say I am brokenhearted is an understatement, but now I wonder, with us living together, what comes next. Where do we go from here?
Yesterday, I was engaged and in love. I was walking toward Mr. and Mrs.; the wedding was under two months away. Our journey has been extremely long. When we were finally together, I knew he was my person. I had one failed marriage and waited so long for us to be together. When we finally dated, I was over the moon, but somehow, the moon set on our relationship, and here we are. I am heartbroken at the end of a love that was supposed to last an eternity.
Right now, here in this time and space, I occupy, I sit, questioning our relationship, pondering what in the world is next for me, for my relationship, and for my life. I mean, if we are not moving forward, in which direction are we moving? Where there was love now sits this empty void. Yes, I still care for him, but now I wonder what we will be between us, space, distance, longing for what was to come? Perhaps a brick wall with no communication, but that to me is just nuts.
We dated, we got engaged, and now broke up. I stand frozen in time and space. I feel like I can barely breathe. I talk to others, but say nothing with meaning—honestly, I feel like I am all out and just afraid to say it. I know that means I now live alone; I know it means two decades of wanting to be together was leading us nowhere. All relationships go through ebbs and flows and some end nowhere and with nothing. That thought sits sour in my stomach.
To say I am hurt lessens how I feel. The waves of questions are washing over me, and I feel I am sinking under them. I feel like my heart was all in and a fool for allowing myself to believe in love again. You should always believe in love but shattered, here I sit. Being in love is an amazing gift, but right now, it stings; right now, I am feeling all the emotions and letting them in. I am choosing to be vulnerable and welcoming the hurt. I am sitting with the hurt.
Hello heartbreak, hello pain, come on in, and let’s talk.
Today, in this space right now, resides hurt, disappointment, and a broken heart. Yesterday, I was filled with excitement, love, and joy. All these mixed emotions are welcome. I need to be present in them and allow them to just sit with me. Some people say you need to work through your feelings, process them, but I am just sitting still and surrounded by my feelings.
If I push them away, I am avoiding. If I deny they exist, they will come at me like a ton of bricks later on, so I sit crying and feeling them all. It really is a mixed bag of nuts up in here.
No matter what kind of relationship you are in, there is always a mix of items you will deal with. Who keeps the house? Who takes what car? Do you get to keep the cat? The answer to the cat is always take the cat. Kitties can help you get through anything. Breakups rip us apart in so many different ways. Leaving us shattered in tiny pieces, but I know, at some point, I will pick the pieces back up and put myself back together to try love again one day.
Living with the feelings I have about this disappointment is something new for me. Yes, I am processing them all, but I am not pushing them away.
I have a migraine now from the crying. I am attempting to not figure out what comes next and quietly sit with these emotions, to be present with them, and let them stay. My gut always tells me to deflect and move on, but that has not served me well. Every time I think, I will deal with this later, I need to stop, listen, and let everything I am feeling sit with me now.
Peace will only come when I accept, allow in, and process all the feelings. The flags were there, but I ignored them. I deflected those feelings instead of feeling them, and six years into this relationship, here, I sit. I am making friends with the pain and disappointment. I am saying them out loud to others. I will cry and be okay—for I am a warrior, and for once in my life, I am shutting up and listening to my emotions. I fear they know more than me and are a better guide about my life than I am.
I need to let them lead this time. I need to follow what I hear.
Bulldozing through life has not gotten me far. I push through my life; I am a bull in the china shop. Emotions have always been frowned upon in my world, but maybe I need to find my own place in this world instead of fitting into what others want from me.
Perhaps I am a butterfly emerging, a rebirth at 52, a new chapter. However you want to say it—times, they are a changing. I have always spoken my mind, but when I have been too much for others, I cut back. If not now, when? If not for me, who? I just need to be all of me.
Emotions and dealing with them have always been such a struggle for me. I know I am not alone. When I quiet my mind, stop judging myself, and everyone else’s voices—because, honestly, mine is the only one that matters right now—I can heal. I will meditate, I will sit with, I will listen, and I will do so until my emotions and I are friends again.
Today is a new beginning; a fresh start. Once my emotions and I sit in quiet together, I pray to move forward. Right now, here, in this moment, it is just me and my emotions. I cannot wait to see what life has in store for me as I learn to quiet my mind and listen to my heart.
Perhaps I will learn to love again. I will start with loving myself first.