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February 16, 2021

Five things you don’t know about being a good lover

Sex education 101

Five things you need to know to become a good lover.

  • The vagina is not a sexual organ. Neither is your mouth, tongue, or hand sexual organs. Yes, all four can be used in sexual behaviors. When asked, most adults name the vagina as a sexual organ. The clitoris is the sexual organ in women. As a result, this incorrect information is passed on to their children and their children’s children.

With false information, couples can never reach their full potential and enjoy the sex act. Ask any sexually active woman, “How enjoyable was your first sexual encounter?” On a scale of 1 to 10, with ten being the highest, first sexual encounters for women rank from 0 to 2. Researchers report that the average woman will not have an orgasm until they have been sexually active for about 5 to 7 years. That is sad and unnecessary.

How many of you men are willing to wait for 5 to 7 years for your first sexual release? The problem is that most men see the vagina as the goal. And, are content to ask, “How was it for you?” And, most women are satisfied to respond with, “It was good for me too.” Never having had an orgasm, with what is a woman supposed to compare her sexual experience?

Does that sound like either person is a good lover?

  • Men’s penises come in three sizes, small, medium, and large. Many men and women think that the bigger the penis, the better the lover— more false information. Researchers found “the average vagina of women who have never been pregnant, unstimulated, range from 2.75 inches to about 3¼ inches. When a woman is aroused, it increased to 4.25 inches to 4.75 inches.” WebMD. What good is a penis that is 8 to 12 inches long when the vagina is less than 5 inches long?

An organ is only as good as the organist.

  • A woman’s sexual organ, equivalent to the man’s penis, is her clitoris. The majority of the clitoris is not typically visible. Like the penis, the clitoris comes in three sizes, small, medium, and large. No matter the size, the clitoris is the primary source of female sexual pleasure.

The difference is that women with a small clitoris will probably never have an orgasm without some form of external stimulation. Women with a medium-sized clitoris will experience orgasm up to 30% of the time. That means that she will need external stimulation about 70% of the time. Women with a large clitoris need external stimulation 40% of the time. These percentages are just guesstimates.

What works for you will depend on several other factors, including how rested you are, where you are emotionally, and where you are with your primary relationship.

“Not tonight, dear. I have got a headache.” What turns a woman off sexually is very different than what turns a man off sexually. What turns a woman off sexually is anger at her mate. This is not true for men. Men can be furious at a woman and still have sex. We usually call it rape! What turns a man off sexually is “performance anxiety.”

No one has to teach a man how to masturbate; 99% of men masturbate, 1% lie!

Men’s sexual performance can go from 0 to 120 in just a few years and then back to zero in his 80s and 90s. As a young teenager, a man has the potential to have sex three or four times a day, every day. Once past 40, the man starts seeing a major decline in his ability to have sex. This decline in men’s sexual drive is the major source of his performance anxiety.

For women, orgasm, like beer or buttermilk, is an acquired taste. Research suggests that women who learn to masturbate as a teen or preteen will score higher on a sexual satisfaction inventory as adults.

When it comes to young girls learning to enjoy their bodies, there is a lot of fear. Do we want our girls to be as sexual as our boys? Girls get many more messages about sex being bad or nasty than boys. Girls are warned about the dangers of getting pregnant. It is terrifying for most parents to think of their daughters being as sexually driven as their sons.

Girls and young women are often scared to death of their own sexuality and the fear of losing control. I had a young lady about 31 years of age come to me with this fear: “I have never had sex with anyone I am so afraid that if I have sex I will like it so much that I will not be able to say no.” When I got around to asking how long she had been masturbating she almost yelled at me “FOR EVER.”

I heard a father admonish his young son, as he was preparing to go on a date, with “Have fun, if you cannot have fun, be careful, if you can’t be careful, name it after me.” What father would ever say that to his daughter?

Because of the difference in men’s and women’s physical and emotional makeup, what can occur is a vicious cycle. The woman is angry at the man; he is not affectionate enough (affection does not necessarily mean sex). He hears her anger as rejection, feels threatened, and shuts down sexually. His shutting down sexually is interpreted by her as rejection. She then becomes angrier. And he shuts down even more, which makes her even angrier.

4) Sex always starts in the head. It is said that the largest sexual organ is the mind for both men and women. Ruminating can shut you down sexually!  If you have trouble turning off your mind after work (that includes taking care of the children and getting them to bed) you will have a hard time visualizing a fantasy and having an orgasm. There is no way to get turned on if your mind is racing with all the things that happened throughout the day and what you need to get done for tomorrow.

There are two ways to help your mind turn off and stop ruminating. First, your mind could be focused on the past: “I should have done______ .” “I should have said______ .” “I really made a fool of myself.” “I yelled at the kids; they did not deserve it.” “Four years ago, I got drunk at the office party. I am an ass.” Etc. etc.

Second, your mind could also be focused on the future. “I got that interview tomorrow, and I do not know what to say.” “Will I have enough money to pay the bills at the end of the month.” “My father-in-law is coming next month, and I do not know how to handle him.” “I have so many things to do tomorrow, I cannot remember them all.” Etc. etc.

If my ruminating is anchored in the past, I need to vent what I am thinking out loud. Feelings expressed verbally take place; they reduce in intensity and are free to change. If you have a mate, you could ask them before you go to bed if they would listen while you vent all of your “should have” and “could have.”

If you ruminate about the future, make sure you have a pen and paper next to your bed or a handheld dictating machine to list all the things you need to do. Your mind is just doing what it is supposed to do when it is ruminating about the future, trying to help you not to forget.

  1. Sexual fantasies good or bad? The first book of women’s sexual fantasies was by Nancy Friday, My Secret Garden in 1973. Since that time, there is been hundreds of books written and much research done. The majority of the research and books tout the benefits of sexual fantasies as a prelude to sex.

The answer to the question: are sexual fantasies good or bad is up to you. What is your view of sexual fantasies?


“Men are disturbed not by things,

but by the view they take of them.”

Epictetus, 121 A.D.


If you are unsure what your view is, I strongly suggest that you start with research. What you ‘think’ results from what you have been ‘told’ up to this point. Change what you think, and you will change what you feel.


“There is nothing either good or bad,

but thinking makes it so.”

Shakespeare, Hamlet.


This does not mean there are no right and wrongs. You believe what is right and wrong, which determines your feelings, hence your behaviors. What behaviors from your past did you see as right or wrong that you no longer see that way? In the past, “shacking up” was seen as wrong. Today, you seldom hear that phrase. What other examples can you think of?

You can contact Dr. Downing at:

Email: [email protected]

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