Years ago, I was getting blasted with terminology like “Love Bombing,” “Gaslighting,” “Grey Rock,” and “Narcissism.”
These terms each have their individual meanings (I encourage you to do your own research to find what resonates with you), and I cannot discount them; each helped me reshape my life.
My hands are heavy and ears overloaded with definitions that awoke me into an unswerving reality check. The terminology may have deafened me by now, but I am filled to the brim with the knowledge to understand where I need to reroute from all that signals danger.
For that, I am grateful.
I say this to those who may feel the word “narcissism” is overused—it might well be. The meaning can be perilous, and the line thin, yet, we need to remember narcissism can be a form of serious abuse. It is not a newfound glory of street slang. And it could be disrespectful to victims if we ever say this to them, not understanding this is a battle they fight every day.
I continued to pursue the life I wanted by making the commitment to never doubt my primitive guidance.
I stopped my obsession with asking myself, “Is this fear or is this intuition?” Instead, I decided to just live life without thinking about the outcome.
I got angry and discovered I had opinions—I was not just a leaf blowing in the wind.
I accepted my wisdom beneath what I wanted to create; it was not just for myself, it was to share, and I used it to guide me.
I stepped back from spiritual practices.
I moved away from limiting beliefs of love; what it is and is not.
The only way I could find a safe disconnect was not by disassociation from all that was blasted on the front line, but it was by knowing who, what, and where my triggers were coming from. It was by learning to understand that not all sources are trustworthy.
It was learning the difference between each source, which was imperative in my life. I unfollowed accounts on social media that were only talking about “narcissism” for a while. I put down the “resourceful” books and learned when was right to pick them up.
I accepted that I did not have to always talk about my trauma with friends, or attract only those around me who had been through similar experiences. People do not always understand and we cannot expect them to.
Sometimes, it is okay to keep it light.
This was my way.
It was about accepting my narrative and the evolution of my path.
I became repelled by those who loved to dissect my life choices.
I found an even greater power in silence, and the greater truths it illuminated.
I lost friends and family—people I truly loved.
I stopped applauding my extreme behaviours and exhausting those of others.
No longer did I have the urge to rescue. I allowed myself to empower, but not to “fix,” and I witnessed the difference.
I acknowledge my passion to empower and applied it to my career rather than my personal relationships, platonic or not.
I always devalued others’ ability to help themselves.
I understood, through experience, that everyone on this earth was more than capable, including myself, to heal themselves as individuals—and it was not my job to do it for them. I was hindering their own ability.
When I fixed, I resented. This caused a vicious cycle when they didn’t listen to my advice.
I came to the conclusion that just as wild-spirited as I am, others can be too. So it is my duty to step back and allow them to just be who they are, too.
I may be left with lingering emotions as if I am to prepare for war, and yet, I still see the terminology, and I can accept it may bring up emotions.
I knew that it was enough to be in and out of inner battles—seeing these words blasted over social empires is tough.
I learned that if we can comfortably walk with our own medals to show and no longer hide the badges of honour beneath the armour, we have moved a step forward.
If we can begin to take a piece of armour off and place it on the shelf, we have moved a step forward.
We do not need to always be compelled to share our tales of scars and the wisdom behind them.
It is okay to hear terminology and feel our teeth chatter.
Years go by, and I still feel the muddied trenches beneath my feet reform.
We can each find meaning in the words that resonate with a personal experience by speaking with a professional. There is copious supportive information on the web, but I often find it dilutes my own experience by hearing the background chatter of both peers (and those I wouldn’t consider so).
To find your own definition of each label will make you feel empowered in a situation where you perhaps felt disarmed. It will allow you to take a space in which you can say, “This works for me,” or “This does not work for me.”
Your experience is yours; treasure it like a new seed. It will strengthen your roots into the new soils that you plant yourself.
I only hope that if you need, you can find balance in an often overwhelming space.