February 12, 2021

Trying to See Clearly in a World of Double Vision.

I have double vision.

I’ve been suffering from it, off and on, since 2016. I took a bad fall—literally falling on my face, breaking my nose, and suffering a concussion—that left me with post-concussive symptoms for a month or two.

Then, unannounced, in September, I met the demon named Double Vision while driving at night to a spiritual event.

I stopped the car, filled with fear that I might be having a stroke. Finding that all it appeared to be was a visit from Double Vision, I explored how bad it was. I could see one set of headlights and street signs in one part of my visual field, and a second set offset, a little lower. It got worse when I looked up or down or to the side.

Should I call 911? My husband? Or should I venture onward, since I was almost to my destination?

Of course it was a spiritual gathering, I say to myself now. Understand, I make meaning out of everything, and also consider everything metaphorical material. I consider this a sign that Double Vision’s visit was spiritual material. I met one of my spirit sisters at the event, feeling safe in her company. But as the event proceeded, so did my anxiety. I decided it was wisest to leave and drive home while I could.

From there I went on to an ophthalmologist who told me there was “no reason why I should be having double vision.” Then to a brain MRI, which confirmed I did not have a brain tumor. Since the demon Vertigo had also appeared, I visited a neurologist who sent me to the vertigo center for tests that would be inconclusive.

A workup at the ENT’s (ear, nose, and throat) office finally resulted in news that my aging inner ears weren’t responding to stimuli in sync. I did exercises and physical therapy. Then I discovered my magical alternative optometrist, Amy Thomas, who works with brain injured vets, children with learning disabilities, and old chicks like me who got clumsy.

Amy cured me for a time, until Double Vision and Vertigo reappeared. And so, working again with both Amy and my brain, I write with double vision.

Why am I telling you all this? It’s the metaphor, of course.

On a spiritual level, what happened in 2016 that could have created welcoming territory for Double Vision? That period—pre, during, and post the election of the Impossible—I wrote a lot about going down the rabbit hole. What was reality? What was a dream? Which reality was winning out? Where was truth? Where was solid ground? Was I Alice in the dream or wakened from it? I felt I was in both places.

At least I recovered enough for my brain to realize that sometimes I had single vision. It was only when reading or writing or working on the computer that Double Vision visited. Often then, I was reading news or reading from the other world (my spiritual territory) or writing about both that I couldn’t see straight for all the trying to figure it out.

I wrote so much about going down the rabbit hole that I thought I had a book, only to find that Sunni Chapman had already written it. Then there was the weird confirmation by Amy that what I had was actually called Alice in Wonderland Syndrome. It’s for real; look it up.

Since then, we all know that the Impossible and his fans made things even worse. We’ve all been plunged into the dark night of the soul for the nation and the planet, as well as for most people I know. This is a time for reckoning of every sort. It’s the deconstruction, the shamanic dismembering of everything we used to count on. That’s one part of what I see in the world.

I’ve worked hard, as you probably have, on the other part of the vision. There are more and more illumined souls carrying the light, doing the work of bringing it to every Impossible situation, speaking truth to power. There are new women leaders all over the world. There are incredibly brilliant young people giving us hope, like Amanda Gorman and Greta Thunberg and my granddaughters.

And so, I work with these two visions. I am trying to help my brain make them into a single vision. I believe with all my heart in the One Being, where all these things are sacred and part of life, and where we little humans have been given a grand adventure where it’s up to us to work it out if we can. As terrifying as that assignment is, I am often held in a grander love, harmony, and beauty than I ever read or thought about.

At those moments, the 2020 vision we were supposed to have becomes clear. In 2021, the Impossible may yet be taken over by the Possible.

And still, as I write, as I surrender to the One—the place where I am safe and we all are—old Double Vision still visits me. And so, I adapt.

Sometimes I can only see part of the vision at one time. So I write with one eye closed, always with faith in what is yet unseen.


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