Changing relationship patterns is not easy.
These patterns, whether they be codependency, addiction to toxic love/people, or being love avoidant, are all ingrained in our psyche.
We literally have been carving out this pathway in our brain from the time we first experienced whatever trauma brought us to this place.
Ahh, that pesky word: “trauma.” But, as we know, it is the root of all things bad in our lives. It’s why we see things and do things the way we do.
Unresolved trauma wreaks havoc on our soul, our psyche, our decision-making, and ultimately, every relationship we have—intimate or not.
We so badly want to experience deep, healthy love; we want to fall so deep into love that we get lost in the feeling as we sink deeper and deeper.
We fantasize endlessly about this love and how magical it will feel. We search for this “perfect person” who will bring us this magical well of deep love.
We search and search until we actually find them (or what we believe to be them), and then we panic because, now, it’s real life—not a fantasy.
It doesn’t feel too magical, does it? It actually feels f*cking terrifying and borderline difficult.
Because relationships are not magical, they are not meant to fix us or heal us; they are not an endless supply of validation.
The people who choose to be in our lives are not obligated to give us anything more than what they are able to.
We have watched too many Hallmark movies and rom-coms, seen too many Eharmony commercials, and read too many love stories that now our minds are completely skewed.
We have an unhealthy vision of what a relationship should be like—what love actually is.
Love is two completely different souls coming together but still needing to be individuals—not losing themselves in each other.
Love is balance.
Love is understanding that each of you is a separate person and weren’t brought to Earth to make the other happy. However, you were brought to each other to add to your individual happiness.
I am sure you have heard that happiness doesn’t come from anything external a million times over; it is an internal source. This isn’t a new concept, and it is so true.
We have always been taught that you need to get married, have babies, make money, buy things, go on vacation, blah blah, and all these magical things will make you happy.
Some of the happiest people have nothing, and the unhappiest people have everything.
Ironic, right? Not really surprising, though.
Did you ever want something so bad that it consumes you? And then, when you finally get it, a week, month, or a year later, it has lost its luster. You realize that you are no happier having it than not having it.
Again, love and happiness do not come from other people, “things,” or external sources. It comes from within.
It is self-love, self-care, self-admiration, self-soothing, self-healing, and self-confidence.
These patterns are so difficult to change because they are ingrained in us from all the trauma we have experienced in our lifetime.
The trauma that told us we are not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, and we don’t deserve to be loved completely to the core.
So, we either chase a love that isn’t available or run from a love that is. This is what we do until we learn to love ourselves—become whole.
We have to realize that we are worthy of deep love. And it’ll be from someone who isn’t there to magically change our world but to just love us for exactly who we are: perfectly imperfect.
Self-love is the key to changing those patterns and gives us the power to receive a healthy love in return.