March 4, 2021

I am Not Responsible for my Trauma.

Have you seen the movie “Good Will Hunting?”

There’s a moment when Robin Williams’s character says, “It is not your fault” over and over again until there is a breakdown and breakthrough.

Well, for me, those words mean everything.

You may have been victim-blamed in life; told that because things were bad that meant you were bad. Aundi Kolber, therapist and author says, “It feels hard because it is hard.”

That experience was hard for you. You may still be going through it. You might not see a way out but I promise there is hope.

There is hope because as long as you are alive, you have a choice. The choice to be authentic. The choice to do good. The choice to be present. The choice to love. The choice to make a change. The choice to appreciate life. These choices are always there for you.

It wasn’t your fault that a person didn’t listen or see you. It wasn’t your fault that you failed or fell down. But it is your responsibility to get up again. Only you can do this life. You are not alone. So, live your life knowing that you have the power to make a difference.

Sometimes, things have to fall apart to come together better. That’s the bittersweet aspect of life. When you fall apart, you remember what’s important. You remember your why—why you started.

You remember who loves you and what to love about yourself. In all the darkness around you, you find your spark. You are light; a light that shines onto others, waking them up to the beauty of life.

You have value. You have things to give. You have a story to tell. Your story isn’t over yet, so live it.

Live in a way that you will know you always did the right thing—even when it got hard. Life is fleeting; impermanence is a given. While you’re here, use your circumstances to make a change.

Tell that person how they’ve hurt you; right that wrong, forgive that friend, consume only what is good for the earth and heal yourself by saying one thing: It is not my fault, but once I know better, I will do better.

Forgive yourself too. This life is hard enough without beating yourself up. You’re going to make mistakes. You’re going to have regret. You are going to think you’re a horrible person sometimes, or that you’re not good enough—all these things make you human.

To be human is to be flawed, but therein lies your strength; when you have honesty and humanity, there is nothing that you can’t do.

Your authenticity makes up for your weaknesses. That’s because only you know what it’s like to be you. You can be the one who helps others live through similar things. After all, giving back is what gives us meaning.

Sometimes, things happen that make you question everything. You may wonder, Why me?

I don’t know why you. I don’t know everything. I don’t know when the rain came into your life, but I do know you have the choice to dance in it while you’re here.

It’s okay to cry with it too. It’s okay, but don’t give up.

Just surrender—everything’s going to be okay.

When people tell you that you are not allowed to be a victim of bad circumstances—that you always have to be strong and perfect—I want you to remember:

>> You are enough.

>> No one can take away your worth.

>> No one can tell you what you should dream about.

>> No one can tell you who you are. 

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you’ve been through, what your journey has been like. But I want you to know it’s not your fault.

You are allowed to cry. You can break down. You can get mad. You can also choose to change and never look back. You can pick yourself up again. You can offer compassion to yourself, reparenting any emotional neglect you’ve experienced in this life.

Be the person you are looking for.

Fulfill your needs, so you don’t rely on others for worth or validation. Live for love. That way when you lose it all, you’ll still have that.

Whatever has happened, I am sorry it happened to you. Whomever you’ve lost, I’m sorry you lost them.

Wherever you went, I’m sorry if it wasn’t good. Whenever you stopped, I’m sorry you lost your motivation and hope you get up again.

Your life is worth it; every little moment has a giant ripple effect. All of those decisions, as well as all those detours, led you to be who you are right now; and that person is beautiful. That person has lived through some things. That person is deserving of all good things.

When you look in the mirror, I hope you tell yourself nice things.

I hope you tell yourself that you are good. That’s it’s not your fault. And I hope you know that you are going to use your story to change lives and challenge things.

Transmute that pain into purpose. Into love. Into joy.

You beat the odds; you don’t have to prove it to anyone.

So, when Robin Williams says to Matt Damon, “It is not your fault,” I hope you listen. This applies to you too.

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